If your birthday is this week:  During you birthday bash, that old meatloaf you had in the fridge accidentally gets served as a dip.

Aries:  This week, you will get served.  Better brush up on your dancing and start carrying around a piece of cardboard.

Taurus:  You will be rejected as a member of the team for Expendables III.  Lucky you.

Gemini:  You still can’t find your car.  Maybe next time don’t leave it parked in the middle of Gaza.

Lemini:  You will discover that taking on the Mafia is not as easy as it is in the Punisher video game.  Maybe you should apologize to Don Vito for keying his car.

Cancer:  The stars say, that man in the van probably doesn’t have candy.

Leo:  Sharpen your axe, you’ll be invited on a quest and the group needs a lumberjack.

Virgo:  Your softball game will end in a shoot out at an Arby’s.  On the upside, you will hit a triple that wins the game.

Libra:  A group of sexy nuns will take your donation, but it turns out later they are not really nuns.

Scorpio:  You will have the fourth most disgusting sex you’ve ever had inside a gas station dumpster.

Sagittarius:  Today you’ll discover that your horoscope is wrong.

Capricorn:  Work will be extremely busy this week.  You’ve got a Christmas party to plan!

Aquarius:  You will discover that you don’t know the difference between a shot of wheatgrass and a shot of very runny snot.

Pisces:  You will have to suppress your gag reflex at least twice this week.  Guess when?  The stars think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.