Our pledgemaster may not be the best when it comes to persona hygiene, etiquette or resisting the temptation to pull a booger out while your in the middle of a conversation with him.  But he is the exalted pledgemaster of Lambda Sigma Rho!  And he sits in judgement of all!  Behold!  His decrees!

The Powerball Jackpot:  Not Fratty

How convenient you don’t pull a winner when I buy a ticket.  Now I’m supposed to buy another one this week?  Fuck you, powerball.  I’m getting a churro.

The Walking Dead:  Kinda Fratty

After a lot of melodramatic bullshit in between zombie killing, the show has finally picked up.  Glenn beating the shit out of a zombie while taped to a chair?  Fucking fratty!

Exploding Strip Clubs:  Not at All Fratty

Did you hear about this shit?  Don’t I have enough problems trying to keep track of my funny money and see how far I can go during my lap dance?  I have a lot of calculations to do and I’m drunk.  Don’t add another element of danger.

Thanksgiving:  Fratty

It’s a holiday where all you do is eat.  How can that be anything but good?

Black Friday:  Not Fratty

You’d have to be half brain-dead to be anywhere near a store that day with so many turkey leftovers in the fridge.  And they raise the prices the week before just to sucker you in.  Don’t be stupid.

The Holidays:  No Longer Fratty

The holidays are great when you’re a kid, but when you’re not, the suck donkey balls if you actually have to get some shit done.  People are at work but they are completely checked out until January.  Fucking close everything for a month and a half and get it over with.  Don’t tell me everything is open and then leave a giant fucking line in your store because only one cashier is here.  Close your god damned store!  Don’t answer your fucking phone and tell me I can get a part to my car and then complain that it’ll take forever because no one is around to do the work.  Don’t answer you god damned phone!  Just close everything, god dammit!

Fast Food Chains in the Middle of Nowhere:  Fratty

Because in the middle of nowhere, fast food is like a major restaurant and since the staff isn’t completely overworked (since hardly anyone lives there) you can actually get decently cooked food.  They can’t just chuck it in the steamer.  They actually might have to cook it fresh for you.

Fast Food Chains in the a Major City:  Disgustingly Not Fratty

There’s too many god damned people to be opening a McWhatever or a Burger-macallit in a city.  The people in the city don’t get paid much more then their counterparts in the sticks.  And yet, they gotta crank out burgers non-stop, 24/7 in the middle of a major metropolitan city and you expect the bathrooms to be clean?  You couldn’t pay me to walk into one those places.  I wouldn’t make a pledge eat there.  Well, maybe.  I mean, that would be pretty funny if he was a germophone.  I gotta write that down.

The Rolling Stones:  Still Fratty

Those old men can stick rock.  See what drugs do, kids?

Rumors of an Emma Stone Sex Tape:  So Fratty

This could be more Earth-shattering than those sweet pics of Scarlett Johansson’s ass and the chafing from that has barely healed.  Keep searching, bros!  You gotta believe!