If your birthday is this week:  You will generously allow your younger cousin to blow out your candles on your birthday cake.  The six year-old will promptly sneeze on it.

Aries:  You will lay a fart that will smell like buttery popcorn.

Taurus:  You and your roommate will attempt to get drunk on mouthwash.  Later, your minty spew will make the dorm bathroom smell much better.

Gemini:  You will discover that the only reason that telemarketer keeps calling is that he really wants to have sex with you.

Lemini:  You will finally figure out that tomatoes are not vegetables, you fucking moron.

Cancer:  This week, your trip to visit Customer Service ends in a fist fight.  Next time, bring your receipt or take karate.

Leo:  Your attempt at drunken bowling goes poorly, mostly because you attempt to do it at a batting cage.

Virgo:  A mermaid will surface near you at the edge of a boat.  After she gets a good look at you, she’ll mutter “Sorry” and swim away.

Libra:  That bartender you always hit on finally gets the message and has her boyfriend beat the shit out of you.

Scorpio:  The stars say, the blacklight reveals your bedroom to be a semen-stained sex dungeon that it is.  Time for new carpets.

Sagittarius:  The blacklight turns out to be a hilarious gift for your Scorpio roommate.

Capricorn:  You will get way too high to go outside.  When the celery in your fridge stops singing, then you can leave.

Aquarius:  Good news, it turns out you’re not allergic to your girlfriend’s bedsheets, she just has lice.

Pisces:  Superman stops by and forces you to buy an subscription to the Daily Planet.  If you don’t, he’ll pee on your house again.