Your Fratoscope: November 11, 2012on November 11, 2012 at 12:01 am
If your birthday is this week: You will generously allow your younger cousin to blow out your candles on your birthday cake. The six year-old will promptly sneeze on it.
Aries: You will lay a fart that will smell like buttery popcorn.
Taurus: You and your roommate will attempt to get drunk on mouthwash. Later, your minty spew will make the dorm bathroom smell much better.
Gemini: You will discover that the only reason that telemarketer keeps calling is that he really wants to have sex with you.
Lemini: You will finally figure out that tomatoes are not vegetables, you fucking moron.
Cancer: This week, your trip to visit Customer Service ends in a fist fight. Next time, bring your receipt or take karate.
Leo: Your attempt at drunken bowling goes poorly, mostly because you attempt to do it at a batting cage.
Virgo: A mermaid will surface near you at the edge of a boat. After she gets a good look at you, she’ll mutter “Sorry” and swim away.
Libra: That bartender you always hit on finally gets the message and has her boyfriend beat the shit out of you.
Scorpio: The stars say, the blacklight reveals your bedroom to be a semen-stained sex dungeon that it is. Time for new carpets.
Sagittarius: The blacklight turns out to be a hilarious gift for your Scorpio roommate.
Capricorn: You will get way too high to go outside. When the celery in your fridge stops singing, then you can leave.
Aquarius: Good news, it turns out you’re not allergic to your girlfriend’s bedsheets, she just has lice.
Pisces: Superman stops by and forces you to buy an subscription to the Daily Planet. If you don’t, he’ll pee on your house again.