Your Fratoscope: October 7, 2012
on October 7, 2012 at 12:01 am
If your birthday is this week: You will be carjacked by a man in a giant taco costume.
Aries: You will read a newspaper. The staff will personally call you to thank you for your patronage.
Taurus: Your laser tag gun will be set way too high and you cut the first player you shoot in half.
Gemini: The squirrels in your back yard will make obscene gestures to you today.
Lemini: The stars say, stop picking that scab. You’re really making the stars sick.
Cancer: The bad news is, your TV reality show is not greenlit. The good news is, it’s because your family isn’t White Trash.
Leo: There’s a quarter under your chair. You’re welcome.
Virgo: This week, remember the important people in your life. Your drug dealer’s birthday is a good excuse to hit him up for a discount.
Libra: You will discover that posting naked cellphone pics of yourself still counts as texting while driving if you do it in a moving car.
Scorpio: Your trip to McDonald’s ends as it always does, with a Happy Meal and you making sweet love to a clown.
Sagittarius: You’re out of nachos.
Capricorn: You find out that your roommate doesn’t understand how to masturbate and catch him whacking off into his sock drawer.
Aquarius: The ghost of Columbus will appear to you and say many important things. Unfortunately, they’re all in Italian.
Pisces: Your ventriloquist dummy comes to life and demands a vacation.
