If your birthday is this week:  You will be carjacked by a man in a giant taco costume.

Aries:  You will read a newspaper.  The staff will personally call you to thank you for your patronage.

Taurus:  Your laser tag gun will be set way too high and you cut the first player you shoot in half.

Gemini:  The squirrels in your back yard will make obscene gestures to you today.

Lemini:  The stars say, stop picking that scab.  You’re really making the stars sick.

Cancer:  The bad news is, your TV reality show is not greenlit.  The good news is, it’s because your family isn’t White Trash.

Leo:  There’s a quarter under your chair.  You’re welcome.

Virgo:  This week, remember the important people in your life.  Your drug dealer’s birthday is a good excuse to hit him up for a discount.

Libra:  You will discover that posting naked cellphone pics of yourself still counts as texting while driving if you do it in a moving car.

Scorpio:  Your trip to McDonald’s ends as it always does, with a Happy Meal and you making sweet love to a clown.

Sagittarius:  You’re out of nachos.

Capricorn: You find out that your roommate doesn’t understand how to masturbate and catch him whacking off into his sock drawer.

Aquarius:  The ghost of Columbus will appear to you and say many important things.  Unfortunately, they’re all in Italian.

Pisces:  Your ventriloquist dummy comes to life and demands a vacation.