If your birthday is this week:   You will see that episode of America Dad you always see.  You know the one.

Aries:   You finally chat up that chick from your History class.  Turns out, she’ll date anyone that can get her some meth.

Taurus:  You’ll think the people in Starbucks are trying to get you, but it turns out you’ve just had way too much cappuccino.

Gemini:  Your speech will kill at your sales meeting, mostly because your fly will be down.

Lemini:  Don’t eat the roasted pig at the BBQ.  No one checked it for ticks.

Cancer:  You’ll get pulled over by a cop.  He won’t give you a ticket, but you will have to read his screenplay.

Leo:  Jesus returns to Earth this week and stops by your house, but only to use your bathroom.

Virgo:  You will be mugged by a guy in a college football mascot costume.

Libra:   You will borrow your roommate’s college football mascot costume.

Scorpio:  You will invent a new kind of porn, so rare and so disgusting, that not even you can get off on it.

Sagittarius:   Your mailman will insist that everyone on his route has to reach in his pocket to get their mail.

Capricorn:  The ghost of JFK will visit your girlfriend and bang the shit out of her.

Aquarius:  You’ll finally come out of that alcohol-induced coma from Oktoberfest.  Get a beer and celebrate!

Pisces:  You will discover that describing your Dungeons & Dragons character makes for poor conversation at your dinner party.