If your birthday is this week:   You’ll go out and get some coffee.  It won’t be this funny, but it will be a lot quieter.

Aries:   Gary Busey will break into your house just to spoon with you as your sleep.

Taurus:   You’ll watch a rerun of Community and it will be that one episode you always see.

Gemini:  You tattoo artist will mix up your tattoo with another client.  Fortunately, very few people know the Chinese symbol for “whoremonger”.

Lemini:  A Jehovah Witness will proposition you, but half way through his speech decide that Jesus probably “isn’t right” for you.

Cancer:  There will be a fire in the building you’re in.  After getting trapped on an upper floor, you’ll have to wait for the fireman ladder.  When the fireman gets up to you and you open the window, he’ll get this disappointed look on his face and say, “Anyone else in there?”

Leo:  The stars say, close your curtains.  Even stars don’t want to see you masturbate.

Virgo:  You will be offered sage advice, but be forced to turn it down since you don’t own a spice rack.

Libra:   This week, a homeless man will come up to you and offer you a dollar.  Maybe it’s time for a haircut.

Scorpio:  Time for a reality check.  Comic Con is over.  It’s time to end your cosplay orgy and let the maid clean that hotel room.

Sagittarius:   Your relaxing golf outing gets out of hand and you’re eventually arrested for hunting your caddy for sport.

Capricorn:  You will figure out that Warner Brothers Studio has a time machine after spotting your future self in the background of The Dark Knight Rises. Sadly, this is just a way to avoid paying you royalties.

Aquarius:  Your cellphone will start second guessing your texts.

Pisces:  You will discover a tiny Eskimo in your fridge.  He’ll admit that every night he replaces your food with slightly older food and that he’s just waiting for the economy to bounce back so he can get a better job.