If your birthday is this week:   Julianne Moore will sneak into your house and steal the last slice of pizza.  You won’t see her, but you’ll  know.

Aries:   Your action figures will come to life and tell you to stop masturbating in front of them.

Taurus:   The stars say, the wedding DJ will not play your request because he hates you.

Gemini:  Don’t leave the dog outside too long this week or he’ll burst into flame.  Seriously, it’s God damned hot outside.

Lemini:  Your hipster friend will mug a homeless guy because he thinks it’s ironic.

Cancer:  You will meet someone special, but only if you’re willing to pay the $7.99 an hour for her webcam.

Leo:  You drug dealer will offer you a cousin a summer internship.  It works out great for everyone.

Virgo:  No zombie apocalypse this week.  Just go back to the bunker and keep drinking.

Libra:   Your robot roommate smokes 100 times more pot than your previous roommate and pays even fewer bills in a more efficient way.

Scorpio:  You only have another week to make that “50 Shades of Gray” joke while it’s relevant, so make it happen soon.

Sagittarius:  This week, your shitty job will still be shitty, but someone will buy donuts.  Yay.

Capricorn:  You conspiracy theory turns out to be true.  Chex Mix is made of Czech people.

Aquarius:  Spiderman will save you from some muggers, but you’ll have to pay him $300 a week to keep those muggers away.

Pisces:  You will finally get to taste walrus.