Your Fratoscope: July 8, 2012on July 8, 2012 at 12:01 am
If your birthday is this week: Julianne Moore will sneak into your house and steal the last slice of pizza. You won’t see her, but you’ll know.
Aries: Your action figures will come to life and tell you to stop masturbating in front of them.
Taurus: The stars say, the wedding DJ will not play your request because he hates you.
Gemini: Don’t leave the dog outside too long this week or he’ll burst into flame. Seriously, it’s God damned hot outside.
Lemini: Your hipster friend will mug a homeless guy because he thinks it’s ironic.
Cancer: You will meet someone special, but only if you’re willing to pay the $7.99 an hour for her webcam.
Leo: You drug dealer will offer you a cousin a summer internship. It works out great for everyone.
Virgo: No zombie apocalypse this week. Just go back to the bunker and keep drinking.
Libra: Your robot roommate smokes 100 times more pot than your previous roommate and pays even fewer bills in a more efficient way.
Scorpio: You only have another week to make that “50 Shades of Gray” joke while it’s relevant, so make it happen soon.
Sagittarius: This week, your shitty job will still be shitty, but someone will buy donuts. Yay.
Capricorn: You conspiracy theory turns out to be true. Chex Mix is made of Czech people.
Aquarius: Spiderman will save you from some muggers, but you’ll have to pay him $300 a week to keep those muggers away.
Pisces: You will finally get to taste walrus.