If your birthday is this week:  The paternity test comes back.  Congrats!  This day means something to you now!

Aries:  Your dad will love the tie and the stripper you sent to deliver it.

Taurus:  The stars say, your kids are only throwing you a party so the cops can finally corner you.

Gemini:  America’s Got Talent will ask you to never audition for them.

Lemini:  You’ll be mauled by a bear on the way to work.  Sorry.

Cancer:  This week your boy scout training pays off.  Someone will need a patch sewn to something.

Leo:  Your ho’s will buy you a Father’s Day card because you are their “Big Daddy”.  You’ll pimp slap them anyway.

Virgo:  The mailman stops by to shake your hand for some reason, it makes your mom cry.

Libra:  Stop sending yourself a card for today, it’s a dead giveaway that you own a time machine.

Scorpio:  You will discover that sending out mass emails for your Swingers parties is a bad idea when your dad shows up with your mom.

Sagittarius: Your dad will spend the day lecturing you on what a “failure” you are.  Maybe you should get him out of that well.

Capricorn:  Your dad will appreciate his Father’s Day gift.  He needed a new crack pipe.

Aquarius:  The stars say, stop faking your own death.  Your kids are too old for child support now anyway.

Pisces:  On this day, you’ll remember your dad and your home planet fondly.  Why didn’t he just get into the rocket too?