It’s the Rewritten News!  Headlines without tact!  Now welcome your Rewritten News Team!

Real: After Dark, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Goes to Walmart

Rewritten: Rich Hillbilly Still Likes Cheap Tube Socks

Real: Healthy Food Doesn’t Have to Be Expensive, USDA Insists

Rewritten: USDA Employees Have Way Much More Time to Cook Than Most People

Real: Coffee Linked to Lower Risk of Death

Rewritten: Being Wired and Pissed Off Good for You

Real: Facebook Co-Founder Fires Back at Senators’ Accusations

Rewritten: “Fuck Off,” Says Rich Guy to Congress

Real: After Media Clash, Romney Shows Reporters Warmer Side

Rewritten: GOP Android Still Trying to Prove He’s Human

Real: Biden Stumps at Washington Count Barbecue Joint

Rewritten: Politician Pretends He’s Not Better Than Everyone Else for a Short Time

Real: Rare Tyrannosaurus To Be Auctioned in Chelsea

Rewritten: Nicholas Cage Soon to Blow a Shitload of Money

Real: U.S. Redefines Afghan Success Before Conference

Rewritten: U.S. Still Using George Orwell’s 1984 as Blueprint

Real: San Francisco Bay Area City Puts Soda Tax on November Ballot: Money Would Go To Fight Obesity

Rewritten: Gays Not a Fan of Love Handles

Real: Paralyzed Woman Moves Robotic Arm With Thought Alone

Rewritten: The Future Looks Bright for Masturbaters