The news is boring.  Let’s rewrite it.

Real: Oprah Winfrey’s cable net OWN facing big losses, says SNL Kagan analyst

Rewritten:  Oprah Analyzed by Saturday Night Live

Real: Marine Sergeant Faces Discipline for Facebook Critique of Obama

Rewritten:  President Spending Too Much Time on Facebook

RealAmericans now Watch More Online Movies Than DVD’s

Rewritten:  Americans Finding More Ways to Move Less

RealIllinois to Become First State to Allow Online Lottery Sales

Rewritten:  Illinois Makes Being Poor and Delusional Even Easier

RealStudy: Obesity May Lower Cognitive Function for Aging Adults

Rewritten: Fat Fucks Also Stupid Fucks

Real: Gallagher Leaves Hospital After Heart Attack With New Material for Next Act

Rewritten:  Gallagher Stays At Hospital That Smashes Various Giant Fruits

Real: Pat Robertson Criticizes Broncos for Tebow Trade

Rewritten:  Religious Guy Forgets He Can Just Pray to God for Stuff

RealScientist Build a Camera That Sees Around Corners

Rewritten:  Stalker Technology Takes a Giant Leap Forward

Real: California Marijuana Workers Ready to Unionize

Rewritten: California Stoners Threaten Things That They’ll Probably Forget About