If your birthday is this week:   You will find out your car insurance does not cover accidents with hot dog carts and that you can eat hot dogs right off the ground if you’re hungry enough.

Aries:   This week, brace yourself.  You’re going to get some astounding news that will change your life or a delicious bagel.  Interestingly enough, both have something to do with cream cheese.

Taurus:  You will find yourself fishing in your neighbor’s pool, wearing nothing but boxer shorts in 30 degree weathere.  And yes, that was some kickass weed.

Gemini:   A Jehovah Witness will knock on your door, but when you answer he says, “Oh.  Sorry.  Not you.”

Lemini:   The stars say, a Chinese friend will translate your cool tattoo as “Dumbfuck”.

Cancer:   After watching several hours of Japanese Anime, you will feel incredibly dirty.  You’ll shower, but it won’t help.

Leo:   Your hamburger will arrive well done, with onions.  Don’t send it back.  Your cook just got served with divorce papers and he has access to way to many knives in the kitchen.

Virgo:   You’ll find the perfect pair of shoes on that body they dredge from the lake.  It’s not like he’s using them.

Libra:   After giving a homeless guy five dollars, you’ll see him get into a limo.  Don’t worry, he gives it to the driver as a tip.

Scorpio:   You’ll finally seduce a Senator from Florida.  Now you’ve done one in every state.  Congrats!

Sagittarius:   After a drinking binge, you’ll discover that you can fill a wastepaper basket with vomit in about three heaves.

Capricorn:   You will meet Steven Segal in a Five Guys.  He’ll ask you for the rest of your fries.

Aquarius:   This week, a Tibetan monk will reveal the location of your lost Xbox controller.  He won’t stay because he has to walk the Earth helping pathetic couch potatoes like yourself.

Pisces:   You’ll find that Starbucks will be out of iced lemon pound cake again.  God dammit.