If your birthday is this week:  You New Year’s Eve Party will be a huge success to anyone who enjoys spending New Year’s with stuffed animals and cats.

Aries:  You will make several New Year’s Eve resolutions, most of which you’ll break about half way through the countdown.

Taurus:  This week, Santa Claus will come running into your house demanding to know if you opened a gift he meant to leave for Kim Jong Un.

Gemini:  The stars say your Dilbert calendar will run out and you’ll have no replacement.  Your welcome.

Lemini:  You will discover that you are the Spawn of Satan, destined to destroy the world.  Unfortunately, like all kids of famous dads, you just end up in rehab.

Cancer:  You new landscaper, Glenn Beck, will do a horrible job on your azaleas.

Leo: You might want to find another broker, he keeps advising you that he’s “bullish on lapdances“.

Virgo:  This week, Rick Santorum will give a speech on your porch to your cat.  He’ll call it the biggest turnout ever.

Libra:  After a six hour video game binge, Xbox will flash the words, “Maybe we should see other people for a while.  Seriously, let’s take a break.”

Scorpio: You will recognize the penis being shoved through the glory hole of your bathroom stall.  Maybe next time, don’t spend New Year’s with your old college professors.

Sagittarius:  You will discover that your champagne wishes and caviar dreams are actually made up of Sprite and white albacore.

Capricorn:   You will discover that you’re not being haunted by Dick Clark’s ghost, he’s just trapped in your closet.

Aquarius:   Even your friends at your Jedi-themed New Year’s party will think it’s too nerdy.

Pisces:  You’ll discover that eating two gallons of ice cream at New Year’s doesn’t stop your heart, but it will make you projectile vomit for the next four hours.