Your New Year’s Day Fratoscope 2012
on January 1, 2012 at 12:01 amIf your birthday is this week: You New Year’s Eve Party will be a huge success to anyone who enjoys spending New Year’s with stuffed animals and cats.
Aries: You will make several New Year’s Eve resolutions, most of which you’ll break about half way through the countdown.
Taurus: This week, Santa Claus will come running into your house demanding to know if you opened a gift he meant to leave for Kim Jong Un.
Gemini: The stars say your Dilbert calendar will run out and you’ll have no replacement. Your welcome.
Lemini: You will discover that you are the Spawn of Satan, destined to destroy the world. Unfortunately, like all kids of famous dads, you just end up in rehab.
Cancer: You new landscaper, Glenn Beck, will do a horrible job on your azaleas.
Leo: You might want to find another broker, he keeps advising you that he’s “bullish on lapdances“.
Virgo: This week, Rick Santorum will give a speech on your porch to your cat. He’ll call it the biggest turnout ever.
Libra: After a six hour video game binge, Xbox will flash the words, “Maybe we should see other people for a while. Seriously, let’s take a break.”
Scorpio: You will recognize the penis being shoved through the glory hole of your bathroom stall. Maybe next time, don’t spend New Year’s with your old college professors.
Sagittarius: You will discover that your champagne wishes and caviar dreams are actually made up of Sprite and white albacore.
Capricorn: You will discover that you’re not being haunted by Dick Clark’s ghost, he’s just trapped in your closet.
Aquarius: Even your friends at your Jedi-themed New Year’s party will think it’s too nerdy.
Pisces: You’ll discover that eating two gallons of ice cream at New Year’s doesn’t stop your heart, but it will make you projectile vomit for the next four hours.
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