If your birthday is this week:  You poor bastard.  Normal people have birthdays in different weeks so they get presents twice.  You poor, poor bastard.

Aries:  The good news is, your boyfriend got you a puppy.  The bad news is, he wrapped it without airholes two weeks prior to Christmas.

Taurus:  Santa will leave you a nasty note complaining that your cookies taste like shit.

Gemini:  You lazy roommate will get you the one thing for Christmas you’ve always wanted, his half of the rent!

Lemini:  You will see Mommy kissing Santa Claus right before she asks your Dad for a divorce.

Cancer:  You will catch a green douchebag trying to stuff your Christmas tree up the chimney.  The shock will cause him to have a heart attack and die.  Later, the police tell you that his heart swelled three sizes that day.

Leo: This week, that Elf you used to date will call you in December 26th, bored, drunk and looking for break up sex.

Virgo:  The stars say, you will let some hippies stay in your barn.  The next day, you’ll discovered they birthed a kid in there.  What a mess!

Libra:  You will discover that the feast of seven fishes does not including swallowing your cousin’s goldfish.

Scorpio: No one will appreciate your gifts.  Most because you shouldn’t regift vibrators.

Sagittarius: You will find a reindeer hoof and a jingle bell lodged in the landing gear of your plane.

Capricorn:  You will have the Kung Pao Chicken and see the new Sherlock Holmes movie.  Mozel Tov!

Aquarius:  You girlfriend builds you a custom video game in which your character submits resumes and goes on job interviews.  Maybe it’s time to stop playing Xbox.

Pisces:  You find a magic hat that brings a snowman to life.  Fortunately, you get it back before the retarded snowman can dance away.  Ca-ching!