If your birthday is this week:   Your cellphone will text you the message, “I think we need to see other people.”

Aries:   You will be kidnapped by aliens.  When they go to anal probe you, they’ll get so disgusted that they’ll decide to let you go.  But they will warn you that if your hygiene doesn’t improve, they will vaporize the Earth.

Taurus:  You will shart in the middle of a very fancy play.  Fortunately, you’re not in the audience when it happens.  Unfortunately, you are on stage wearing tights at the time.

Gemini:    The stars say, you’ll win the lottery.  Suddenly, living in a tent in Zuccotti Park will lose its allure.

Lemini :    Your doctor will find that you have an advanced case of cooties.

Cancer:   This week, your waiter will find himself so attracted to you that he’ll offer to take his tips in handjobs instead of money.

Leo:   You and the rest of the members of your local NRA chapter will be robbed by a man carrying a bazooka.

Virgo:    Your webcomic about talking nipples will be a huge success.

Libra:    The stars say, everyone in the supermarket is plotting to kill you.  Probably because they know you have schizophrenia.

Scorpio:   Once again, you’ll ask yourself this week, “Why can’t anyone seem to make a quality anal plug?”

Sagittarius:   You baker tells you to start getting some exercise, but you won’t be able to hear him over the sound of your own wheezing.

Capricorn:    The robot you build becomes sentient and demands a healthcare plan.

Aquarius:    Your Risk game gets out of hand and you accidentally invade Belgium.

Pisces:  Your attempt at tagging a Jackson Pollock painting goes unnoticed.