If your birthday is this week:  After winning the lottery for $108 million dollars, Occupy Wall Street won’t seem that interesting to you.

Aries:  Your iPod will flash the word “Seriously?” when you attempt to fill it with Creed music.

Taurus:  Your attempt at infiltrating the Amish fails after they discover a Bedazzler on your person.

Gemini:  You will finally discover that your horoscope has always been wrong.

Lemini :  You will be kidnapped by a serial killer who will end up letting you go because your life is more punishment than anything he could’ve done.

Cancer:  Your car will be as clean as it has ever been since you purchased it, mainly because you’re selling it this week.

Leo:  You will discover that you no longer need to purchase Axe body spray.  You can just walk behind the cast of the Jersey Shore for four minutes and the smell will be in your clothes.

Virgo:  For the last time, unplug your fucking router, wait and then plug it back in again.  Stop calling the Geek Squad!

Libra:  A salesman will be incredibly rude to you, mostly because you test drive ends at the bottom of a lake.

Scorpio:  You will finally find a dry cleaner that can remove sex stains from Cashmere.

Sagittarius:  You girlfriend may be cheating on you with the Easter Bunny.  Her ‘gine smells amazingly like Peeps.

Capricorn:  After complaining about Saturday Night Live for years, you’ll finally host.  And it will suck, with musical guests, Nine Inch Nails.

Aquarius:  The stars say, you will fight crime at night in a strange costume.  Criminals will never suspect a drag queen.

Pisces:  You wife will make you cookies.  She has to.  You wrote it in your horoscope.