If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday party is a little too awesome this week.  Practice your alibi before you wake up in the drunk tank.

Aries:  While everyone appreciates accurate history, screaming “Murderer!” during your son’s Columbus play this week is not going to help.

Taurus:  Your waitress will insist you have Jedi mind powers.  Maybe you should tip less.

Gemini:  You will cause a stir at the Sons of Italy meeting by suggesting ordering Chinese.

Lemini :  Your girlfriend may be too clingy.  She makes you a special Columbus Day dinner and present and then demands to know where hers is.

Cancer:  For some reason, your fantasy football team will include 1996 Bulls.  You’ll also win the first week.

Leo:  The stars say, Al Sharpton will come to your hipster Columbus Day party and insist you’re being a racist for not refilling his Santa Maria Margarita glass.

Virgo:  Your trip to the mall will be uneventful.

Libra:  This week you will swear never to drink alcohol again.  Most because you need to save money for all the crack you smoke.

Scorpio:  Your bikini waxing turns into an orgy…again.

Sagittarius:  Your boss will be quite a challenge this week, but in the end, he strangles just as easily as your previous victims.

Capricorn:  You’ll insist that the cop that pulled you over is actually a stripper and pull off his breakaway pants.  Turns out, he’s just a cop that likes to be naked at a moment’s notice.

Aquarius:  Your roommate will fill your bathtub with jello.  No one will eat it, but throwing it away finally removes all the pubic hair.

Pisces:  You’ll attend the comic book convention at the Shore Mall this week.  Several of your fans will bring you Tastykakes, because they like you that much.