If your birthday is this week:  You will wake up and realize that someone has peed your pants.

Aries:  The stars say stop bugging them.  They can’t tell the future.  They’re just burning balls of plasma for Christ’s sake.

Taurus:  This week, you manage to complete vampire-proof your house.  Unfortunately, the vampires have some banker friends and they foreclose on you.

Gemini:  Remember those weird birds from the Dark Crystal?  You’ll find one of their beaks in your General Tso’s Chicken.

Lemini:   Wearing a suit to the Occupy Wall Street protest saves you from getting pepper sprayed by the cops, but not by getting patchouli sprayed by hippies.

Cancer:  You will get a sensual back massage from Joe Biden.

Leo:  You will go to shake up the salad dressing and realize you left the top on loosely.  You’ll hose down half your dining room table with Kraft Thousand Island.

Virgo:  Your day out to go apple picking turns into a shoot out at a meth lab.  Next time, hit up Wikipedia about apple picking.  You’re obviously doing it wrong.

Libra:  You will find your glove compartment full of Jello.

Scorpio:  You’ll pass out during the orgy and dream of lying in bed alone.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, your garbage men will sing in four part harmony as they take away your trash.  They still won’t help separate your recyclables though.

Capricorn:  This week, the medical experiment you’re participating in goes into a lockdown quarantine just in time for a Breaking Bad marathon on AMC!

Aquarius:  You’re not paranoid, the crickets are plotting against you, but they’re still just crickets, dumbass.

Pisces:  You’ll take your revenge, but did you really want the last slice of pizza that badly?