If your birthday is this week:  Sadly, your lightly attended Jon Huntsman party, will be the most heavily attended Jon Huntsman party.

Aries:  Wear sneakers to the Chinese restaurant because all your fortune cookie will say is “Run!  For God’s sake!  RUN!!!”

Taurus:  Your junk will smell like peppermint on Thursday.

Gemini:  The ghost of Thomas Jefferson will appear to you and ask you to look up the address of Pam Grier.

Lemini:  You’ll discover that the reason no one is reading your webcomic is that the website doesn’t load properly.  That and it sucks donkey balls.

Cancer:  This week, you’ll buy a liter of Shasta.  It’ll stay in your fridge until one day you open it and go, “I don’t remember buying Shasta.”

Leo:  Your mailman will come to you explain that it just isn’t working out.  It’s not you or your mail, it’s him.

Virgo:  For the last time, stop emailing every joke you find on the Internet to the entire staff.  Do some actual work this week.

Libra:  You will make an ass out of yourself at the poker game.  Mostly because you scream “Go Fish!” at the beginning of every hand.

Scorpio:  Your libido goes a little soft this week and you only have sex nineteen times.  Don’t sweat it.  You got a touch of the flu.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, you will find out that just because you’re dating a secretary in your office, you can’t immediately date the hot temp that replaces her on a sick day.

Capricorn:  You’ll get drunk this weekend and wake up with coyote arm.  On the upside, with its armed ripped off the coyote is dead.

Aquarius:  You will be punched by the woman that runs the coffee kiosk.  She’ll add, “Take one packet of sugar, bitch!  One!”

Pisces:  You’ll  go to Intervention Con, but it turns out that it’s not a con about the A&E show Intervention.