If your birthday is this week:  Your pizza will arrive on time, mostly because hurricane winds drop the pizza parlor in your front yard.

Aries:  Ignore your normal instincts this week, Aries.  When your house collapses, it’s best not to update your Facebook status before calling 911.

Taurus:  You will receive a new gift of patio furniture at 115 mph.

Gemini:  Your ice cream making contest is ill-timed this week, fortunately, everyone likes milkshakes in a disaster.

Lemini:  Don’t forget your wallet, they’ll need to identify your torso after the storm.

Cancer:  You will have one of the longest streaks of luck at a Atlantic City blackjack table, mainly because the Coast Guard will find you floating on it before you die of exposure.

Leo:  The stars say, your pet will blow away during the storm.  Maybe you should’ve just let your Chihuahua shit on the carpet.

Virgo:  Despite the weather events the past week or so, volcano insurance is still a bad investment.

Libra:  You will come up with a hilarious tweet just before the power goes out.

Scorpio:  This week, you’ll attempt to stock up on supplies for the storm.  Fortunately, the store still has plenty of lube and anal beads.  Sadly, none of the generators they sell will connect to your vibrator.

Sagittarius:  Your choice to hide in the zoo’s gorilla exhibit during the hurricane is a poor one.  Turns out, storms make gorillas extremely horny.

Capricorn:  You should panic as the storm comes.  You need the exercise.

Aquarius:  Your comic book collection will get completely swamped when your basement floods.  This will save you the embarrassment of attempting to sell your entire run of Valiant, Dagger, Defiant and NOW comics.

Pisces:  The power outage from the storm will finally give you the time you need to complete your unholy experiments against Nature and God.