Time for the news, bros.  It’s boring, so it might as well be short.  Here now are the headlines, rewritten so you don’ t have to read them.

Real: Hurricane Irene Prompts College to Change Move-In Plans

Rewritten: Gaining of the Freshman 15 Delayed

Real: Lenny Dykstra Charged With Indecent Exposure in Los Angeles

Rewritten: Famous Athlete No Longer Famous Enough to Have the Police Let Him Go

Real: Sarah Jessica Parker:  No ‘Sex in the City 3’ This Year

Rewritten: Movies to Suck Less This Year

Real: Sex with Neanderthals Strengthen Modern Humans Immune System: Study

Rewritten: Scientist Discover Way to Make Study Interesting

Real: Half of all U.S. Adults Will Be Obese by 2030, Report Says

Rewritten: Krispy Kreme Franchises to Double by 2030

Real: Mummar Qadhafi Obsessed with Condolezza Rice?

Rewritten: War Criminal Admires Other War Criminal