If your birthday is this week:  While trying to meet up for Chinese food with some friends, you will accidentally send a flash mob to eat Dim Sum.

Aries:  You will found several drafts of your obituary on your spouse’s desk.  Maybe it’s too late for the marriage counselor.

Taurus:  Your Internet blind date will be disappointed having assumed that you used a joke photo for your profile.

Gemini:  The stars say, the problem with your idea for selling fried eggs out of a truck is that you should include a paper plate and a fork with the egg.

Lemini:  This week, you will break the record for loudest bowel movement in the company bathroom.  Better cut back on the chilli.

Cancer:  You will be someone’s bitch on your next online game of Halo.  Sorry, bitch.

Leo:  A blind pastry chef makes a horrible mistake and you end up biting into an eclair filled with mayo.

Virgo:  You’ll wake up convinced that you’ve time traveled to the past, but it turns out it’s just that your clock batteries are dying.

Libra:  For the last time, Libra, learn to spell and stop freaking out.  NATO is bombing LIBYA.

Scorpio:  Your offer to be the first sex toy consultant at the White House is turned down, but they keep the complimentary dildos.

Sagittarius:  You will be replaced at your company by robots, but the good news is, a week later those robots will be replaced by cheaper robots overseas.

Capricorn:  Your labor strike will be a bust.  Turns out, you need a job first.

Aquarius:  Your fast food restaurant chain, Bucket ‘o Chum, attracts record seagulls, but few human customers.

Pisces:  Your Native America Shaman advises you to buy gold and the turquoise jewelry he’s selling.