News is confusing and when you get to the end of the story, you might realized that you wasted your time reading it.  Let Tony D filter your news by rewriting the headlines so the spoilers will tell you what’s happening faster and with much less tact.

Real: Ratings:  “Jersey Shore” Beats Out GOP Candidates’ Debate

Rewritten: People Prefer Their Idiots Be Tan Ratings Reveal

Real: UK’s Cameron Seeks U.S. Advice on Gangs After Riots

Rewritten: Smart Country Asks Advice From Stupid Rich Country

Real: Jani Lane Autopsy Inconclusive, Cause of Death Pending

Rewritten: Rockstar Death Stymies No One But L.A. Coroner’s Office

RealWall Street Ends Wildly Volatile Week on Positive Note

Rewritten: People Wrecking Economy Manage Not to Completely Destroy It This Week

Real: Face Transplants Like Charla Nash’s:  a growing list of successes

Rewritten: Cage/Travolta Movie Might Now Actually Happen