If your birthday is this week:  The stars say, you’ll hit your elbow on the corner of a table.  It will hurt like a bitch.

Aries:   Thanks to the popularity of the circus, a clown will invade your personal space.  Disturbingly, it will be somewhat erotic for you.

Taurus:   You’ll spot a cameraman lurking outside your house.  Flush your stash, it will turn out to be the cameraman for COPS.

Gemini:   This week you’ll pee your pants just enough to have it run down your leg.  Ew.

Lemini:   You will punch Jim Belushi.  No one will stop you.

Cancer:   Don’t send back your pancakes at the diner.  The waiter already spit on them, Lord knows what he’ll do if you make him carry them again.

Leo:   You might want to hire a new shrink.  You sessions should not involve sitting at a blackjack table while you talk about personal issues.

Virgo:   This week, you’ll drink so much tequila, you’ll end up tonguing and dry humping a brightly colored stuffed animal in a crosswalk.  Enjoy YouTube fame.

Libra:   The stars say, call his bet.  He’s bluffing.

Scorpio:   Your mobile home orgy spills out onto the highway.  Maybe next time don’t drive while participating.

Sagittarius:   Your book about the Amish is a flop.  Mostly because you release it on a Kindle.

Capricorn:   Your drug dealing spouse will finally get their act together and start ordering his product directly from Columbia.

Aquarius:   The stars say, just ask her out.  You should get your humiliating turn down over with so you can settle for someone else.

Pisces:  There is a party in your pants this week and you’re invited!