If your birthday is this week:  This week you’ll be given the unpleasant task of informing Chuck Norris it’s too late to go to Pakistan and strangle Osama Bin Laden with his bare hands.  He’ll weep and it will be sad, but kind of in a badass way.

Aries:  You’ll have some of the tastiest peanuts you’ve ever eaten or, if you’ll allergic, you’ll die.  Either way.

Taurus:  The stars say, your coworkers will seal off your cubicle while you take a nap during lunch.  When you finally climb out at 5pm, you’ll find everyone on your floor has been fired except you.

Gemini:  You’ll have a depressing soup-for-one dinner by yourself again, which will really annoy your wife.

Lemini:  Those drugs you’re paid to test finally kick in.  Now with all the money you made, maybe you can have those testicles removed from you face.

Cancer:  The stars say, they don’t give a fuck what you do this week.

Leo:  You will buy some illegal pants.

Virgo:  This week, you and your lover discover the book that you’ve been copying your sexual positions from is not the Karma Sutra, but an issue of Spiderman.

Libra:  Your plot to take over the world hits a snag when another hilarious episode of Seinfeld comes on.  Maybe next week.

Scorpio:  Your toy fetish is really beginning to annoy everyone at the Toys R Us.  Orgasm in the privacy of your own home for once.

Sagittarius:  Your trip to the mall will be boring as Hell, except when you walk past the Toys R Us.

Capricorn:  This week you’ll discover that putting “groping” on your list of hobbies is not a quick way to get hired at the TSA.  They prefer the term “genital search”.

Aquarius:  Bad news.  You’ll be raped by a Bull Moose.  On the upside, while you’re on all fours, you’ll find a quarter.

Pisces:  Despite the fact that Philadelphia is decriminalizing marijuana, it’s still a bad idea to try to turn the Liberty Bell into a bong.