If your birthday is this week:  This week, you will demand that “those dirty hairy apes” get their hands off you.  Unfortunately, the bikers that are surrounding you, won’t get the movie reference.

Aries:  Your joy at the amusement park gets out of hand.  Although firing revolvers into the air while you ride a rollercoaster looks cool, it is frowned upon by Great Adventure security.

Taurus:  The stars say, don’t get mad at the Chinese food place, you forgot to order the spring rolls, they didn’t mess up your order.

Gemini:  TMZ’s report on you will be fair and balanced and they compliment you on your ass when show clips of the sex tape.

Lemini:  Your house is on fire.  Stop reading horoscopes and call the damned fire department!

Cancer:  The invitations for your party written on beer bottles is very cool, unfortunately most of your party guests are homeless winos.

Leo:  Your wallet’s under the bed.  You’re welcome.

Virgo:  The test results will come back and you’ll discover that you are not the secret love child of Arnold Schwartzenegger.  You are in fact the secret love child of Rutger Hauer, so that’s something.

Libra:  Your beer pong game will turn into a fist fight.  Maybe punching anyone that misses in the balls is not a house rule you should play with.

Scorpio:  The stars say, your unexplained boners at work have a cause.  You’re sexually attracted to cubicle walls.

Sagittarius:  You can stop sending emails to Comedy Central.  Norm MacDonald’s Sports Show will be canceled.

Capricorn:   You will stop going to the zoo this week.  Turns out, not all pandas can teach kung-fu.

Aquarius:  It turns out, that priest was lying about the Nazi gold.  It’s not really gold and it’s not in the front of his pants.

Pisces:  You’ve now been married 24 hours, how does it feel to be wrong all the time?