If your birthday is this week:  Your Mother’s Day Gift isn’t as well received as you expect.  Apparently, courtside Laker seats, a box of cigars and a trip to the stripclub aren’t her thing.  She hates the Lakers.

Aries: Your mother will enjoy her gift a lot more if you pay the money back you borrowed from her to purchase it.

Taurus: The stars say, Mother’s Day is the perfect time to announce the secret lifestyle you’ve been hiding from your family.  Then you can finally join the Jedi council with a clear conscience.

Gemini:  Because mom liked you second best, that makes your awesome gift even more awesome.

Lemini:  Sorry you don’t have a mom, but at least Anthony Bourdain’s show is on.

Cancer:  You and your mom will get matching tattoos of Randy “Macho Man” Savage.  Next time, don’t take her drinking in a bar that shows reruns of professional wrestling.  Oh, yeah!

Leo:  Once again, mom can’t make it to dinner, but according to her text, she thinks your swell.  A little clingy, but swell.

Virgo:  The stars say, mom would enjoy her free spa treatment and massage if someone other than you gave it to her.

Libra:  You and your mother will share a wonderful evening and some wicked shit she bought from a guy in the park.

Scorpio:  The stars say, banging a cougar is not a true substitute for the mother you never knew.  It’s kind of messed up, but then again, you are a sick freak.

Sagittarius:  This week, your Libertarian mother starts invoicing you for the food you ate as a child.

Capricorn:  Take charge of your life, Capricorn.  You’re thirty-five.  It’s time to tell your mother that you can visit a public restroom all by yourself.

Aquarius:  Your Mother’s Day surprise is a shock and it’s one of the best episodes of Jerry Springer ever.

Pisces:  No, it’s this week you moron.  Get up and buy some flowers before your mother wakes up!