If your birthday is this week:    This week, Satan apologizes to you.  He won’t be able give you YouTube fame for your soul.  Rebecca Black’s deal predated yours.

Aries:    Good news!  Your lawn still doesn’t need to be cut despite the warm weather.  That’s probably because you skipped raking last fall.

Taurus:   Your hootin’ annie will merely be a hoedown.

Gemini:  The stars say, now is the time to take a vacation.  Maybe you should summer in Cellblock C instead of B.  It’s lovely that time of year.

Lemini:   Your spa day does not go as planned.  It turns out, listening to reggae and the Mighty Mighty Bostones is something else entirely.

Cancer:   This week, an angry mob will beat you for parking in a handicapped space.  Ironically, this will get you a handicapped sticker for your car.

Leo:   Stop being such a worrier, Leo.  Loan sharks are a lot more understanding that people give them credit for.

Virgo:   You will never find out the real name of the Xbox player by Googling his tag.  Just let his trash talk go.

Libra:   Your mechanic takes your car on a little joy ride without your permission.  The good news is, you find his daughter’s graduation cake in the trunk of your car.  Enjoy!

Scorpio:    Turns out, your hot, steamy love affair with Liv Tyler wasn’t real.  The girl you’ve been shagging just looks like her.  Then again, who cares?

Sagittarius:    Roll with the punches this week, Sagittarius, that bouncer is bound to get tired of punching you sooner or later.

Capricorn:   This week, you’ll discover that, no, your laptop won’t float.

Aquarius:   Your charity food drive backfires.  Turns out, the homeless do not like pickled beets.

Pisces:  Keep renting your favorite movies at Blockbuster, they’re bound to go out of business sooner or later.