If your birthday is this week:  With the major change in Zodiac signs you finally realize what incredible bullshit checking your horoscope is.

Aries:  You fail to win the Powerball Jackpot.  Looks like you’ll have to continue selling blowjobs for another week.

Taurus:  The stars say, get your hand out of your pants.  Apparently the stars also have a camera somewhere in your room.

Gemini:  You feel energized all this week.  Those vibrating panties you bought are really comfortable.

Lemini:  Even with the new sign added to the Zodiac, your horoscope is still fake.

Cancer:  You’ll see the Green Hornet this week.  The stars apologize.

Leo:  This week, your lead actor quits forcing you to don a mustache and do the Princess in your Mario-themed porn.

Virgo:  A seven year-old child will point at you in a K-mart and laugh hysterically, maybe it’s time to shop for clothes somewhere else.

Libra:  You will find your band-aid at the bottom of the bean dip you made for the party.

Scorpio:  Another one of your touch football games will turn into an orgy, but it’s still inappropriate to scream “Score!” every time you cum.

Sagittarius:  You’ll catch Gary Busey sitting in your car rearranging your MP3’s.  Guess the old Gypsy was right.

Capricorn:  You’ll catch an old Gypsy sitting in your car rearranging your MP3’s.  Apparently, Gary Busey’s insane ramblings are occasionally correct.

Aquarius:  Look into your heart.  You know what must be done.  The vampire hamster must die.

Pisces:  You’ll pick the three of clubs, but tell the magician’s audience it was the seven of diamonds.  Thanks for ruining David Blaine’s show asshole.