If your birthday is this week:  You will remember Elvis in your own special way: by eating a deep fried peanut butter, banana sandwich, taking a lot of drugs and passing out on the toilet.

Aries:  Kanye West will walk in on you while you’re masturbating.  He will tell you that Beyonce still has the best music video before he let’s you finish.

Taurus:  This week, WikiLeaks will expose you as the cheater in Monopoly that you are.

Gemini:  The stars say, don’t go see Season of the Witch.  You’ll run out of clever and sarcastic comments halfway through the second act.

Lemini:  Your credit card company will call you about the purchases made on your card.  No one stole, they just think your taste is shit.

Cancer:  You will order the pancakes.

Leo:  The stars say, while driving you’ll notice a kid making faces at you.  You will make faces back at him.  This will go back and forth in a contest until you win.  Probably cause you’re best face is the one where you realize you’re going to miss the turn.

Virgo:  A librarian will make a lewd suggestion to you, but you won’t understand it because it will be written in the Dewey Decimal System.

Libra:  You will hit rock bottom when you start hitting on customers at work.  Just remember, you’re the guard and they’re the prisoners.

Scorpio:  You will realize that you have a gambling problem after loosing $3000 playing Solitaire.

Sagittarius:  Your joke about September 11th will make your flight instructor parachute out of your plane.  Maybe next time, open up with some observational humor.

Capricorn:  The stars say, the squirrels are plotting against you, but their own internal politics prevent them from actually taking over your patio.

Aquarius:  Your rooftop shenanigans will end abruptly when you trip over your Cable TV wire.  Fortunately, the hospital you’ll be staying in the next six months has the same cable package.

Pisces:  Good news and bad news.  The good news is, your chocolate didn’t melt, you left it in your fridge.  The bad news is, your pants are not full of melted chocolate.