If your birthday is this week: The good news is, the guy holding your pot doesn’t give you up when he’s raided by the cops, the bad news is, thanks to you everyone is going to miss the Willie Nelson concert.

Aries: You will be outed by Wikileaks. Next time you give a reacharound to diplomat, don’t follow up with a email asking how he liked it.

Taurus: The stars say, your plan to find that douche in real life who pwned you in Call of Duty and kick him in the nads is totally sane and reasonable. Anyone else would do the same thing.

Gemini: Stop passing around that link as real news. It’s the Onion you dipshit.

Lemini: This week you’ll eat what you think is leftover turkey, gravy and stuffing all mixed together. You realize later that you ate the dog’s food. Still good though.

Cancer: The stars say that knocking you keep hearing is your heart. Maybe you should cut back on your Red Bull and Four Lokos.

Leo: This week you’ll find out that the reason no one has said anything about you wearing your Halloween costume this long is because they like you to look like a slut.

Virgo: The creepiest thing that will happen to you is not that you will walk in on your roommate masturbating, but that he won’t miss a beat when you do.

Libra: You find out your Virgo roommate is one of those uptight people who can’t be real.

Scorpio: The stars say, when you can’t remember a girl’s name until you see their vagina, maybe it’s time to scale back your sexual adventures.

Sagittarius: This week, your prank goes a little too well. Not only does the iguana totally freak out your housemate, he stomps it to death. Sadly, the pet store will not refund your $500.

Capricorn: You will be shot with a potato gun and robbed by a group of nerds. Don’t worry, they only take your protractor.

Aquarius: You will realize that John Stamos has been slowly letting the air out of your tires and then filling them back up before you notice. Either that or you watch too much Glee.

Pisces: While it is okay to pee in the shower, you will find out this week it is not okay to poop in the shower, especially when you’re not taking a shower and when you ask to borrow a friend’s bathroom.