If your birthday is this week: Your attempt to extort pity sex from an ex backfires. It turns out the convent she entered frowns upon that kind of thing.

Aries: The stars say, you will meet a special someone. Actually, with your backstage pass to the Special Olympics, you get to meet the entire track team.

Taurus: You’ll forget to Tivo House. Fortunately, your roommates find a site that allows you download the script, so they act it out for you. House is still kind of dick.

Gemini: Your unspeakable experiments are still an affront to God, but thanks the sound insulation you installed, the neighbors will no longer care.

Lemini: After weeks of stress, your schedule will finally free up. You’ll drop dead.

Cancer: The stars say take a break from work. You’ve earned it and no one cares what you do in the office anyway.

Virgo: What you think will be a silent fart is anything but. The good news is, you get kicked out of the wedding before you have to give your gift. You needed a pasta maker anyway.

Libra: You will update your Facebook picture with a new photo. Unfortunately, your vibrator will be in the background of the shot.

Scorpio: Good news! You won’t have to explain your STD to your boyfriend. The story is already posted on Facebook.

Sagittarius: Bacon. Just bacon.

Capricorn: You’ll have some car trouble this week. The trouble will be that it doesn’t shield you very well from bullets.

Aquarius: You finally work up the courage to ask that girl out in your Biology Class. She agrees only if you promise not to carve the question into a frog ever again.

Pisces: The carbon copies of your typewritten report smudge, forcing you to drive your Buick Skylark to a payphone and call someone for help from the 21st century.