If your birthday is this week: You’ll piss off all the muscleheads on the Jersey Shore and they will threaten to beat you. But, when you threaten to spray them with an inferior styling gel they back away.

Aries: Your roommates throw out your ant farm. Perhaps you should’nt’ve started it in an old box of cereal in your shared apartment.

Taurus: The planet’s energy suddenly gives you a burst of creativity! You’ll need it because the energy turns into an earthquake and collapses your house.

Gemini: The stars say, do some emotional housekeeping today. Also, give Juanita, your emotional housekeeper a raise, she really deserves it.

Lemini: Masturbate with your own socks and your roommate won’t get so mad at you.

Cancer: You’ll have to move fast if you want to close a recent business deal for your benefit. When the Columbians pull inside the alley, start shooting.

Leo: If you’re Columbian, kiss your kids before you go on the business trip. Otherwise, you’ll have some really good carrots today.

Virgo: Love is in the air and on the sheets and on the walls. You really should spring for a cleaner motel room next time.

Libra: You will take an exciting new class in economics and learn that there will be no jobs for you when you graduate. On the bright side, you do get a B+.

Scorpio: The stars say, if you’re going to give out blowjobs just to get free cable TV, at least get all the HBO’s.

Sagittarius: You seem to be caught in a battle of Wills. Maybe you should let Wil Wheaton and William Shatner settle their own differences.

Capricorn: Turn left! Left! Shit, now you have to turn around.

Aquarius: Your theory about a Secret Cabal that controls the Catholic Church is completely wrong. But it is true that the Pope just doesn’t like you.

Pisces: Your idea to confuse the enemy by using Cookiepuss as a weapon is bought by the Pentagon for ten billion dollars.