ranslated by Mr. Shit

transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Smoking a Toxic Bong,

Hey Señor Cactus!

Dude! I’m in Hungary on a semester abroad! It’s so fucked up here! That red mud is on everything. I think I may have filled my bong with some of that water. Am I going to be all right?

H. Turner, 19, In Hungary Bitches!

Dear Brain Burner:
Mistah Shit smoked a toxic bong once, now I can’t balance mi check book! I’m sure dat part of your brain won’t be important in da future. Go nuts!

Confused in Carmel,

My girlfriend is giving me mixed signals. Sometimes, she comes over here, tears my clothes off and screws me until I’m spent. Other times, she’s a psychotic bitch and then one night, she spent the entire time in my room crying. Should I dump her?

J.P. 28, Carmel, Cali

Dear Mental Patient Fucker

Cactus say, what you’re experiencing may be perfectly normal. Ask yerself, is your girlfriend hot? If so, Cactus say, she may have HGS or Hot Girl Syndrome. It infects 4 out of 5 really hot Americans. Dat mean, she so hot, she don’t know if you like her for her or you just like her for dose meat puppies in da front of her shirt. She probably got no self-esteem. Da answer is simple, deal wit her craziness as long as ya can until ya can dump her. Remember, she crazy, so don’t leave out nuthin’ she can light on fire or cut herself wit. Don’t worry, she’ll dump your sorry ass one day for some imagined slight, but until den, enjoy all dat crazy sex! It’s da best!

Mad in Moscow, ID,

Señor Cactus:

My roommate is a bully. She’s on the field hockey team, so she’s kind of a musclehead. She’s constantly borrowing my clothes, breaking my things and one time she even stole some stuff. I’m really at the end of my rope? How can I get this ape to leave me alone?

Jen, 18, U of ID

Dear Ticking Time Bomb

Cactus say, he understand. Back in the desert, there was a large Pachycereus Pringlei that used to grow and leave him in da shade. First, ya gotta make yer own safe house, find a friends room to stash your good clothes and stuff. Once you do dat, den da fun begins.

She borrow yer blouse? Take dat blouse, put it in a plastic bag and make sure it full of itching powder. Then mark it “Do not steal! This is mine!” Next, dat bottle of shampoo she always borrow, make sure this time it’s half shampoo and half hair removal. And do she borrow yer razor ta shave her leg, make sure ya only go one blade left, den take it and run it along the sidewalk a few times. Her leg will be bloodier then a Wes Craven movie! And da best part, if she report ya, you can say she stole it all! Oh, and if you have any soda she like to take, let me introduce ya to ipecac.

Farmer Cheat
O Great Señor Cactus:

I cheated on my girlfriend. That’s not the worst part. I cheated on my girlfriend with this chick so she would trade some stuff in Farmville on Facebook. Am I a bad person?


Dear Farm Whore

Cactus say, yes. But he adds dat you are a dedicated farmer!