Bros, the media is like a snake eating its own tail. It’s stupid and it’s very, very hungry. So ravenous in fact, that we here at the Frat House decided that we had to get in front of this media train or get run over by it. That’s right bros. Myspace is dead. Facebook is the new myspace and soon, facebook will be myspace. But right now, Twitter is the new myspace. A piece of media designed to appeal to our ever-shrinking attention spans. I know, I lost you already because blogging is so 2006. So let’s get to it before you click on more Asian porn. It’s time to over-analyze this new media because no one else has and we just happen to be friends with one of the funniest guys you could ever meet: Raven Gregory.
Ravengregory, however, is on twitter. Fifty years ago, getting on the airwaves and spewing these streams of consciousness would’ve gotten you a one-way trip to the looney bin, but today, for the 52 seconds it takes you to read this, Raven is famous.
Dec. 23, 2008, 10:41 pm: “I just had high school sex with my wife. It took ever ounce of imaginations on both our parts but it was so worth it. Getting old blows.”
Here, Raven undermines the one cool thing that happened to him on the 23rd. But to him, it’s not about the sex, it’s a statement onthe human condition. Struggling against the inevitable!
Dec. 23, 2008, 11:08 pm: “And I binged today. Gained back 6 fucking pounds in one day. I am weak willed. Should be overfed like someone in a Fincher film.”
Raven eats alot. I’ve seen him order two full meals, with sides and chow down. But note the self-loathing. He feels bad about it. Then he mentions “a Fincher film” as if Fincher had made only movies like Se7en. I guess that’s just the one Raven has seen or likes. I mean, he also made Fight Club. Do these guys look overfed?
Dec. 24, 2008, 10:39 am: “@TonyDiGerolamo Ah, young grasshopper. You are not yet in years to understand the complexitity of long term married life.”
My bro, Raven, always looking out for me.
Dec. 24, 2008, 10:22 pm: “Less than four hours and Santa is getting his ass jacked and I’m coming up on a brand new flat screen 42 screen tv. Yup.”
What’s crazier in this sentence? That Raven wants to mug the most generous fictional character ever created, that he thinks the same said character can carry a sack full of 42″ TV’s or that he has a specific time to mug him?
Dec. 27, 2008, 4:39 am: “Another sign of getting old. Was watching some drive by porn. Saw the deco in the background and thought, hey, I like the interior design.”
This is definitely a 4am post. What the Hell is “drive by porn”? Did he drive by another person’s house who was watching porn and watch that?
Dec. 27, 2008, 6:07 pm: “Just in Beranek was found overdosed on hemophrodite midgit porn wearing granny panties stolen from garage sale in Hollwood. May have crabs”
There is a porn theme running here. 14 hours later and he’s still talking about porn. Who really overdosed on hermophrodite midgit porn, Raven? Hmm?
Dec. 27, 2008, 8:57 pm: “Just got done shaving my mangina bald. Will now paint elephant ears near the top to sell the illusion of my massive trunk.”
And now the train leaves the tracks and we get some really primo Ravengregory twitter. This is what thousands of years of civilization and technology has led us: so that Ravengregory can talk to the world about shaving his junk.
Dec. 30, 2008, 3:55 am: “Had a horrible dream last night. I dreamed I awoke in an alternative dimension and all the people were clones of Christina Beranek. + I was an underage Thai-girl that didn’t understand that “blow job” had nuthin to do with the vasaline soaked candles held in their hands.”
Here’s the amazing thing about Raven. He’s a writer, yet, he’ll still write something like “vasaline soaked” at 4am. You can’t soak candles in vaseline, but Raven’s not one of those anal-retentive, grammar Nazis that will let something like the physics of sticking a solid candle into the jelly center of a jar of Vaseline stop him from twittering.
Dec. 31, 2008, 3:22 am: “Spent the night getting beat up by an eight year old at wrestling. Video games are no longer for me.”
Poor Raven, he’s getting old. But not too old that he can’t type on his mobile phone about whatever he’s doing.
All right, so how do we review Raven’s twittering? Let’s break it down like this: We’ll rate everyone for their Style, how much Insanity they bring to the airwaves, the “Mustness” of their posts (ie how badly you have to read them) and, finally, an overall average representing, from 1 to 10 just how badly they are contributing to the degredation of human communication.
(Raven, pictured above. Don’t forget to check out his comics at Zenescope.)
Keeping in mind, I am friends with Raven, I have to give him a 7 on Style (because he can be kinda crude), a 9 for Insanity (well, just go back and read), a 10 for Mustness (I’m totally hooked), which gives him an overall Twitter in Focus rating of 8.67.
If you have someone to nominate for Twitter in Focus, twitter TonyDiGerolamo
