Dec10

Señor Cactus Time!

by tonyd on December 10, 2008 at 12:26 am

Ask Señor Cactus!TM

translated by Mr. Shit

transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…

The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…

Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Mystery Misogynist:

Señor Cactus:

Yo, what up with all these stinky-ass, unstable emotional bitches?!!! Women are screwed up in the head! I’ve seen the guys they wit. THAT’S why I’m single!

Signed Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

Cactus say, uh, yeah. Riiiiiiight. He sure it’s da women and not you.

Needs to get his rocks off:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I’m a freshman Geology Major at Texas A&M on the Corpus Christi campus. I’m pretty athletic and in decent shape from playing on my high school basketball team. Although I’m not a playa, I’m not shy around the ladies. Still, I can’t seem to get one to come back to my place because I live in a dorm. Most of the women I meet live in a dorm too! I don’t get it? Can you give me some advice?
Jim, 19, Corpus Christi, TX

Dear rocks in your head:

Señor Cactus laugh at you first. He thinks it’s funny dat you can’t get laid at a University campus with its own beach! You’re practically living in Club Med, mon’! Señor Cactus freezes his stickers off each winter here in upstate New York at prestigious Ryesmore U, while you can still frolic in the sand! He say, you should be bangin’ girls right on the sand instead of stickin’ your head in it. What girl want to have sex with a rock-lovin’ dork like ya? Ya might as well majored in dirt! Cactus say, dat’s what yer goin’ ta be makin’ when ya graduate! Ya ought ta lie and tell da girls yer a History Major and yer just screwin’ around for the next four years until ya can take over yer father’s oil refinery.

Getting Bugged:

Dear Señor Cactus:

What’s the best time to fumigate your place?

Davy M. 24, Boston U.

Dear Infested:

Señor Cactus, say, dis a perfect question for him as he have aphids crawling around in his prickly brain all da time! He like ta pour poison all over himself and listen to those little fuckers squeal. But you can’t do dat, mon’. Da best time is Christmas break. Da bugs try to escape and den freeze outside. Hell, if ya gotta house, shut off yer water so da pipes don’t freeze and all da bugs will die. Or, ya can eliminate all da food in yer house before ya go and they’ll starve.

What? Can’t Cactus give out some real advice for once?

Soy Un Perdedor:

Hey Señor Cactus:

I’m single and all my non-single friends keep tryin’ to hook me. Worse, it’s like they have no taste and send horrible guys to me like I would date any of these losers! Is it me or is it my friends’ impression of me?

Ali, U of C, 20

Dear Loser Magnet:

Cactus say, what are you? A prize? Get off your non-dating ass and get yer own boyfriend den! Your friends just feel sorry for ya and threw ya a man! No one put a gun to yer head and told ya ta fuck him! Maybe they’re good guys. But dat might be too much for a judgmental bitch like yerself.

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Dec08

Frat Boy At the Movies: Milk (Rated D for Dudity)

by tonyd on December 8, 2008 at 9:46 am

Milk is pretty much a flawlessly movie.  Directed by Gus Van Sant, Gus is clearly in his element and knows the subject matter like the back of his hand.  Yes, there are lots of dudes kissing and some James Franco dudity, but this is the history of gay so what did you expect?  (Major spoiler warning)

The story is based after the real life Harvey Milk (Sean Penn).  Convinced to move out of New York City and out of the closet by his lover Scott (James Franco), the duo move to”The Castro” section of San Fransisco in the early 70’s.  The Castro, at the time, is marginally friendlier to gay people than New York City because of their large numbers, but only marginally.  Gay bashing and police harrassment are a daily reality from the moment Harvey and Scott arrive to open their camera business.   Harvey, being the enterprising and friendly sort, organizes the gay community and becomes the unofficial “mayor” of the Castro.  Within a few short years and by helping the teamsters organize a successful boycott of Coors, Milk makes the gay community a political force in San Fransisco.  The natural next step is to try and elect Harvey to office as the first openly gay elected official.

But there are problems along the way:  More gay bashing, more police harassment and a political establishment that is extremely hostile to gays.  Harvey runs again and again and loses again and again.  Finally, things come to a head when Anita Bryant starts making trouble by overturning gay laws across the country.  Gus Van Sant makes great use of real video footage from the time, so you feel as if you’re there.

Long story short, Harvey gets elected and the gay community finally comes out of the shadows.  This is the true story of the civil rights movement for gay people.  And although the true life ending to Harvey’s life is pretty sad, it elevates him to the icon he is today.  Sean Penn is just unbelievable in this role as is Josh Brolin and the rest of the cast.  In a great bit at the end, Van Sant shows you the real people along side the actor and gives a wrap up of what happened to them after the events of the movie.

Just like Harvey explained gay oppression to the blue collar straights in San Fransisco, this movie really captures the struggle for gay rights in America.  Additionally, it portrays the subtle differences between the various factions within the gay community itself.  If you’re still hung up over gay guys making out, get over it and see this movie or you’re missing out.  I give it 10 kegs out of 10.  The Oscars would be a complete joke if this movie didn’t win something.

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Dec03

Frat Boy At the Movies: Role Models

by tonyd on December 3, 2008 at 2:51 am

Holy fuck this was a good movie.  I mean, it’s not that it was the greatest movie ever made, I just didn’t have very high expectations going in.  What floored me is when I saw it was directed by David Wain.  Yes, that David Wain.  And Elizabeth Banks, well, she’s on a roll.  With Zack and Miri Make a Porno, this makes 2 for 2.  (Hey, c’mon.  I liked almost 75% percent of the movie.  That’s a win.  It’s definitely a win for the Super Frat site, I get an extra 100 hits every time I use the word porno.  That’s right, porno!)

Anyhow, here’s the spoilers.  Wheeler and Danny (Seann William Scott and Paul Rudd) are two guys that are pretty directionless.  Wheeler’s a non-stop party maniac (ie an older version of Stifler) and Danny is a miserable cynic (finally represenation in a movie!).  After Danny is dumped by his girlfriend (Elizabeth Banks) Danny goes on a tear that gets the duo arrested.  They get 150 hours of community service and get stuck watching kids in the equivalent of “Big Brothers”.   It’s run by ex-junkie Jane, played hilariously by Gayle Sweeny.

From there, you can write the rest.  But the screenplay (written by David Wain, Paul Rudd and four of their friends) is funny and unpredictable within the confines of what you know is eventually going to happen in the end.  Normally I flee the theater when more than two guys have to write the screenplay, but between that, the performances and Wain’s direction, the movie is just tons of fun.   Great performances from the kid characters played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse (McLovin from Superbad) and

Bobbe’ J Thompson.  It was really nice to watch a movie where everyone seemed to be having fun.  Ken Marino and Kerri Kenny-Silver are great too as the annoying parents and Joe Lo Truglio as one of the LARPing geeks (who also had a great bit in Superbad, as the guy that led McLovin and friends to the party).  The guys from the State have really come a long way.  Wain was a writer and editor on that show and Role Models has a lot of his weird, quirky humor.  It was great to see the actors improv these uncomfortable moments.  It made the whole movie seem loose and organic.

Now that I’ve completely over-heightened your expectations, go out and hate it.  No, seriously, Role Models is totally worth seeing and I look forward to Wain & Company’s next offering.  May it be soon.   I give this 9 out of 10 beer kegs.

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Dec01

Braux Pas

by tonyd on December 1, 2008 at 10:40 am

Braux Pas: (bro paw) noun:  1)  An action which is both simultaneously typical of a bro, yet stupid. 2) A saying which is bro-ish but would not help you get laid.

Case in point: Saturday night.  The missus and myself were eating at a typical NJ bar and grille establishment.  Almost immediately upon sitting down we realized that a couple sitting behind us were chatting loudly and the dialogue made it clear that it was their first date.  In between my trips to and from the salad bar, I caught a glimpse of a bro with a backward baseball cap, polo shirt with the color turned up, sneakers and jeans.  His date, a hot little blonde with shoulder length hair and a low cut blouse.

I thought, “Good for you, bro.  Good for you.”  But as the first date continued, the bro made many a “braux pas” during the course of the meal.  Below is just a sampling.  I share this with you, fellow bros, so you do not make the same mistakes my friend did.

The first thing I noticed was that the bro dominated the conversation.  He talked a lot about his favorite movies and music.  His date seemed to go along with most of what he had to say.  Right away, the missus and I concluded one thing, “He was going to get laid unless he said something stupid.”  Just like the Wanda Sykes bit, most women make up their minds whether or not they are going to have sex with you in the first five seconds.  His date had decided to fuck him, it was clear.  It was confirmed when she talked about how her ex “wasn’t that tall”.  My bro was measuring up, but would he blow it?

So his favorite movies, he mentioned a few good ones.  It was a typical list of action movies.  He listed Bad Boys (was okay) and Bad Boys 2 (really?).  But he really hit gold when he mentioned the Saw movies.  His date apparently loved them.  Can’t say I can vouch for the cinema tastes of these two, but different strokes and all.  Blonde girl lit up and said something like, “I love Jigsaw!  I want to marry him!”

Whoa, braux pas.   First, Jigsaw is a fictional character.  You can’t marry him.  Second, if you could, the guy is a sick, sick serial killer.  The bro acknowledged this.  I could hear him rearranging the pecking order of where blondie would go in his head, but he soldiered on.

After a talk about music, he finally screwed up.  First, he admitted he was 30.  Bro, c’mon.  Backwards baseball cap and collar up?  At 30?  Rule of thumb, if you’ve been off campus for more than four years, it’s time to start dressing that way, especially for the ladies.  Now, I had to hand it to him, he was with a hot blonde that was clearly going to do him.  She was either young, a poor vetter or sought out an aging frat boy that she could bang and then dismiss or perhaps wave in front of her ex.  But let’s move on.

Second braux pas: The hat monologue.  Bro started talking about why he wore the hat.  “I don’t like taking care of my hair, ya know.  This way I go out and put the hat on and I don’t have to worry about it.”  Big braux pas.  You just admitted to a chick that hygiene wasn’t your top priority.  Not a good thing to say on a first date.  I mean, at some point, this chick might have her nose in your pubes.  If you don’t care about the hair on you head, then she might conclude it’s a nightmare down there.  You don’t want her thinking that way, bro.

Fortunately, he plied her with plenty of beer and quickly changed the subject about his hat.  Later, he excused himself to hit the rest room and he passed by the table.  Now he had turned his hat toward the front of his head, but left it cocked sideways.  Braux pas number three!  Dude!  You are not a rap gangster.  You are an aging frat boy that enjoys rap.  Big difference.  Rap gangsters get invited to Snoop Dogg’s crib to chill with the homies.  Aging frat boys chill at home with the dog playing GTA4.  Check your pants, bro.  Unless there is a glock in the back of your pants or a large black dick in the front, you are not a rap gangster.  Keep you skanky hat turned backwards.

But despite his many braux pas, blondie was determined to get some action.  I have to hand it to her.  She was either very focused on her goal or mired in the “bad boyfriend” gene.  Let this be a lesson to all you bros, though.  Beware the braux pas.

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