And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…

The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…

Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Looking at Love:

Dear Señor Cactus:

My boyfriend has a strange habit of staring at me.  Even in bed, he just stares.  What’s up with that?  Is that a guy thing?

Donna, 22, Trinity College

Dear Hot Chick:

Cactus say, yer boyfriend can’t believe he bagged ya!  Boy, oh, boy what he would’ve done ta get in your pants!  You must be waaaay out of his league.  He can’t believe ya gave it up so easily!  He’s just wonderin’ how long you’ll let him bang you.  If he really ambitious, he might be wonderin’ how you’d react to a three-way.  If you need anythin’ right now, Cactus say, ask before he get sick of you.

Your Cheatin’ Art:

Señor Cactus:

I’ve been with the same guy for three years, but I’ve recently realized I’m not in love with him anymore.  I don’t want to hurt him, but I feel bad about leaving him especially knowing that he’ll never afford the apartment we’re in without me.  It’s a one bedroom, so he’d have to move back home.  There’s a guy in the art class where I work as a nude model that keeps flirting with me and asking me out, but I’m not sure if I should say yes.  What should I do?

Sasha, 20, Mercer U

Dear Naked Chick:

Cactus say, yer not exactly in da kind of job where ya should date da customers, mon.  C’mon!  If ya worked at a gas station or at an accounting firm, maybe.  But yer a naked art model!  Every guy in da room has got ta be half way to boner town!  Unless, yer not dat good looking.  In which case, why’d it take so long for someone ta hit on you?

Angry Ex:

Señor Cactus:

I met this girl and we fell in love. I mean, I fell hard. I gave her everything and I thought we’d be together forever, but she complete screwed me over. She borrowed my car and spent the weekend cheating on me. She’s always been very sexual, I should’ve known. The thing is, I have all these videos of her naked and having sex with me. Do you think I should put it on the Internet or just move on with my life?

Ray, 19, Ann Arbor, MI

Dear Angry:

Señor Cactus say, he understand. He was once in love with a cactus dat would pollinate wit the entire desert if she could. Cactus feel your pain. You should move on with yer life, mon’! To help, let Mr. Shit and Cactus post those videos for ya. That and a couple of posts on and you’ll be ready to let da healing begin! Cactus say, tell yer bitch girlfriend he will be strokin’ his prickly self to her image daily! She won’t cause ya problems no more.

Profile Pro:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I put up an honest picture of myself on my dating profile, but I don’t get any offers of dates.  This despite the fact I’ve been matched with plenty of guys and have exchanged several emails.  Are guys just interested in looks?

Michele, 24, Cornell U

Dear Clueless at Cornell:

Cactus say, of course not!  Men just sit around all day waiting ta hear about yer day!  They love to talk about shoes and home decorating and who ya like on American Idol!  Men especially like it when you talk about your friends and their relationships and how they can apply to yours!  Looks?!  Are you crazy mon?  Men don’t care for looks or sarcasm!