Super Frat

Hey Bros:

This week for my rejected comedy samples, I actually have one that I got published. It was on a now defunct site run by my friend called parenthetical note. I had fun writing for the site and here’s one of the pieces that ran.

Ideas on Supporting our Troops!
Get motivated! Get Involved!
by Tony DiGerolamo Copyright 2003

Have you ever wondered how you can support U.S. troops? There are dozens of ways to send prayers, gifts and support to troops and their families at home. Here are just a few ways you can give support!

Email a soldier! Yes, the electronic soldier-gram is a great way to let one, individual soldier know that you care! Make sure you tell that G.I. how much you wish you were there! Forward him or her a funny joke you found on the web or that picture of the squirrel with a giant pair of testicles! Tell him you think everyone in France is a big pussy, because they are! (Remember: Don’t say anything to demoralize him! If he asks about the anti-war protests, simply reply, “Hey, can you get porn on your laptop there? I’ll be you’ve never seen this she-male site!”)

Wear a Yellow Ribbon! Nothing shows your support of our nation’s best and brightest then by wearing a tiny ribbon of gold! Wear it to the office! To the country club! Or to your maid’s son’s first communion party! That little yellow symbol goes with anything because patriotism never goes out of style! (Remember: This ribbon is for the troops fighting Iraq now! Not those namby-pamby Gulf War Syndrome soldiers! If someone tries to remind you about the first Gulf War, simply reply, “The Gulf War was like 1991, dickhead! This is whole other century! Hey look at these she-males! I’ll bet you never saw a site like this ten years ago!”)

Collect clips! Our brave men and women are too busy fighting wily foreigners to collect their own sound bites, but you can help! Put one TV on MSNBC and your wide screen on CNN. A few button pushes on your Tivo does the rest! Digital video makes editing your favorite soldiers video clips quick and easy! (Remember: It’s important to get all the footage! Your soldier marching, your soldier talking, your soldier in combat— Even civilian combat and burying the dead afterward! If your soldier doesn’t want to remember that patriotic moment, simply reply, “It’s not your fault they didn’t stop at the check point! Those buttwipes should know at least some English! I’ll bet the van was full of she-males anyway! Probably like these! Look at that! He’s really hot from the waist up! I think anyone would be fooled! Not that I’m gay or anything!”)

Support your President! They don’t call him the Commander in Chief because he’s not part of the army! President Bush and Vice President Chaney need to know you care about them as much as the common foot soldier! Email them to let them know that they may have avoided combat in Vietnam, but they’ve faced difficult press conferences and surly war protesters with the bravery of ten administrations! (Remember: The more blindly devoted you act towards the war, the better! You don’t want to have Homeland Security breathing down your neck! If they ask why you’re so pro-war, simply say, “I’ve always liked killing! Yes-yes! Especially if the killing involves a large explosion! My, that makes great television! Hey, can you send she-males into combat? I’ll bet that would really confuse the enemy! Imagine if they got oral sex from one and then later found out it was a man! Not that that ever happened to me! I mean, look at that picture! You’ve got to be thinking about it at least, right? It wouldn’t be gay if you thought it was a woman the whole time!”)