Hey Bros!
Welcome to another rejected comedy bit. I think I wrote this one senior year of high school. There was no way I could produce it then and I pitched for years during my college show. It all came down to, we couldn’t get a bank to shoot it in. I must’ve rewrote it nine times. Fortunately, my electronic archaeology rediscovered it. Here is my imaginary cast:
Nudists: Random cast members from current SNL
Interview/Announcer: Eric Idle (from Monty Python)
Sgt. Kender: Nick Offerman (Ron from Parks and Recreation)
Professor Pass: Phyllis Vance (Phyllis from the Office)
The Nudists
Written by Tony DiGerolamo
Copyright 1984
INT. BANK-DAY
It is a quiet weekday afternoon in a metropolitan bank. THREE TELLERS serve a line of a HALF DOZEN CUSTOMERS, while an elderly SECURITY GUARD stands by the vault. In the foreground, the BANK MANAGER talks to a YOUNG COUPLE.
ANGLE ON BANK CUSTOMER
After finishing his transaction, FOLLOW him and TILT DOWN as he walks outside. At the same time, HORACE enters. He is not wearing any shoes and as far as we can tell, no pants. (The shot is from the knees down.)
MEDIUM SHOT OF HORACE
We can now see that he isn’t wearing a shirt either, but no one in the bank looks twice at him. Horace calmly gets in line with the rest of the customers.
ANGLE ON BANK DOORS
JIM and GREG enter the bank. Although they are both naked, the tables in the foreground block out their genitals. Horace, also in the foreground, is blocked by a conveniently placed ashcan. Jim and Greg take up positions on opposites sides of the room. No one seems to notice these naked men.
ANGLE ON RESTROOMS
JULIE, also naked, exits the ladies’ room and stands in front of an artificial plant (which conveniently blocks her breasts and genitals).
ANGLE ON HORACE
He makes eye contact with Julie and she nods. In turn, Horace nods to Jim and Greg, who nod to each other. The bank continues to function normally.
ANGLE ON HORACE, JIM, GREG AND JULIE
From out of nowhere, they don ski masks and draw large rifles. Julie fires her rifle into the air.
JULIE
Freeze! Everybody on the floor!
ANGLE ON CUSTOMERS AND TELLERS
One of the tellers screams in terror and everyone in the bank looks at the naked people as if for the first time
LONG SHOT OF ENTIRE BANK
The nudists continually stand in front of objects which allow this sketch to still be viewed on television. The image FREEZES.
KEY: (scary music) NUDISTS GANGS: AN EXPOSE’
ANGLE ON HORACE
While covering himself with the gun, he motion for Jim and Greg to get the money from the tellers. The tellers nervously help them take the money.
ANNOUNCER (voice over)
Yes, Nudists Gangs. Once thought
of as small time, harmless, sun
worshipers, these naked gangsters
have since formed a criminal empire
that spans the globe.
ANGLE ON GUARD
He moves to pull his gun out, but Julie roughly knocks him down with the butt of her rifle.
ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)(voice over)
Dramatic footage, such as this, is
becoming an all too common occurrence
on the news.
ANGLE ON BANK DOORS
The foursome, all holding bags of money in front of themselves, cautiously back out of the bank.
ANNOUNCER (CONT’D) (voice over)
But where did these garmetless mobsters
get their start?
60’S FILE FOOTAGE
The old footage shows hippie protestors from places like Woodstock, demonstrations and other icons of the 60’s. Some of the hippies are naked, but discreetly hidden by grass, other people, etc.
ANNOUNCER (voice over)
In the 1960’s, unique life-styles,
including nudism, were openly practiced.
Many people experimented with alternate
ways of living. Most nudist were quiet,
indifferent people, wanting only to tan
themselves on their own beaches.
EXT. BEACH-DAY
MEDIUM SHOT of JERRY GREENLY, a fortyish nudist, whose skin is tan, but wrinkled everywhere.
KEY: Jerry Greenly, nudist
JERRY
(addressing camera)
Yeah, it was a wild time, man. But
we were wild kids, ya know? Not wild
like they are today. Beaches aren’t
safe anymore with all the gangs.
INTERVIEWER (off camera)
What makes a person want to get into
nudism?
JERRY
Well, a lot of people start slow. Ya
know, they might go outside without a
shirt or walk around their house without
pants. That sort of thing. Most of us,
though, just wanna see hooters.
INT. POLICE OFFICE-DAY
SGT. WALLACE KENDER is being interviewed at his desk.
SGT. KENDER
Nudists are nothing but trouble. If
any of your audience sees someone naked,
even if only partially disrobed, report
it to the police immediately.
INTERVIEWER (off camera)
How can the ordinary man on the street
protect himself?
SGT. KENDER
Well, you should be familiar with the
habits of the nudists.
EXT. TANNING SALON-DAY
A GROUP OF FIVE NUDISTS, all covered by newspapers, benches, etc., watch as a YOUNG WOMAN walks by.
SGT. KENDER (CONT’D) (voice over)
Most of them hang out in packs, usually
in front of tanning salons. They’ll
look for someone alone, usually a woman.
ANGLE ON YOUNG WOMAN
The nudists taunt her as she walks by. The LEAD NUDISTS motion for the rest of the group to follow.
SGT. KENDER (CONT’D) (voice over)
They’ll have their gang colors tattooed
on their backs, never on a jacket.
ANGLE ON NUDISTS FROM BACK
Each of them has the words, “Bare Buns” tattooed across their backs in big letters. Suddenly, the group runs past the woman. For a moment, she is momentarily disoriented, then the lead nudists snatches her purse and runs away.
SGT. KENDER (CONT’D) (voice over)
The muggers are especially hard to catch.
Nobody every remembers their faces.
ANGLE ON SGT. KENDER
He seems stymied about the problem.
SGT. KENDER (CONT’D)
They’re a clever bunch. One nudist had
a tuxedo tattooed over his entire body.
I frisked him for four hours before I
realized. (a beat, to camera) Is that on?
EXT. TATTOO PALOR-DAY
TWO NUDISTS enter Vigo’s Tattoo You Shop.
ANNOUNCER (voice over)
Since gang colors cannot be worn, tattooing
has become a vital element in nudist gang
life. Tattoos denote the gang, status and
rank within the group.
INT. TATTOO PALOR-DAY
VIGO, a large, bearded tattoo artist, addresses the camera with a needle in his hand. In the background, a NUDIST is getting a tattoo from another TATTOO ARTIST.
KEY: Vigo, body artist
VIGO
(off-handedly)
Yeah, I tattoo a lot of gang members,
so what? Their money’s good. Look.
Vigo gestures to a display of back tattoos, including the “Bare Buns”, “Butt-Naked Bums”, “Sun Worshipers”, “The Disrobers”, “Naked Guns” and “Jungle Jims”.
VIGO (CONT’D)
I’ve done the “Suns”, the “Buns”,
the “Bums”, the “Guns”, all of `em.
INTERVIEWER (off camera)
But doesn’t it bother you that some
of these people are violent criminals?
VIGO
They never bothered me. And I’ve
tattooed gang members on every conceivable
part of the body. Even (gestures toward
his crotch) “little Elvis”.
INTERVIEWER (off camera)
Really? What sort of tattoo do they usually
get for that?
VIGO
(thinks a moment)
A lot of `em get happy faces.
EXT. CITY STREET-DAY
A NUDISTS stands near a GROUP OF PEOPLE at a bus stop. The bus pulls up and the passengers disembarks. A BUSINESS MAN gets off the bus and tries to walk past the nudist. Unfortunately, (just below camera) he hits the nudists in the genital area with his briefcase. For a second, the business man helps the nudists, but the nudist suddenly recovers. The business man continues on his way and the nudist makes off with his wallet.
ANNOUNCER (voice over)
But understanding the nudist is not
enough. With the rising trend in
naked crimes, new ways are being sought
to get into the mind of shameless thieves.
INT. PROFESSOR’S OFFICE-DAY
PROFESSOR SANDRA PASS, a professor of criminology, addresses the camera. She is an older woman, a little overweight and very dedicated to her work.
KEY: Professor Sandra Pass, author of “Naked Gangs in America”.
PROFESSOR PASS
(gestures, with feeling)
I think before we “write-off” nudists
as valueless criminals, we have to
understand them. Nudism embraces a
concept of which encourages the lack
of inhibitions, a denial of authority
and accepted social norms. We shouldn’t
be fighting these people, we should be
talking to them. On their terms.
EXT. CITY STREET-DAY
TWO NUDIST GANG MEMBERS are smoking and hanging around near a dumpster when they see something off camera.
POV OF NUDISTS
Professor Pass, completely naked, approaches the twosome with open arms. The nudist gang members flee in terror.
ANNOUNCER (voice over)
While Professor Pass’s work is still
highly controversial, police have had
remarkable success with a new program
of taking mug shots.
INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT-DAY
The young woman from the purse snatching scene is flipping through a book of mug shots with a POLICE OFFICER. She recognizes one of the pictures and points to it.
POV OF WOMAN
The picture is of a sad NAKED CONVICT holding the sign with his numbers right at crotch level.
ANNOUNCER (voice over)
With these and other special task
forces, the problem of Nudist Gangs
may one day be under control.
EXT. CITY STREET-DAY
The four nudist bank robbers are sitting in a car looking very sad. TWO POLICE OFFICERS arrest them.
ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)(voice over)
For instance, the bank robbers we
showed you earlier, were apprehended
by police hours later.
INT. CAR-DAY
The nudists are unable to get out of the car because they are stuck to the vinyl seats.
ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)(voice over)
The vinyl seats now being installed in
American-made cars are rapidly becoming
a valued safety standard in all vehicles.
Sometime, there may come a day when good
people can walk down the street without
being accosted by naked hooligans. But
until that day, nudist gangs are a danger
we all must face.
The nudists are handcuffed and taken away. The image FREEZES.
ROLL BRIEF MOCK CREDITS.
