Hey Bros!
Today I unearth a classic! One of my SNL sketches! I am so glad I found this one. This one actually got thrown into the mix (I was told), but ultimately rejected. Bob Newhart, one of my all time favorites, was the host. Here is the cast:
Dave (David Spade)
Bob (Bob Newhart)
Wonder Woman (Janeane Garofalo)
Clark Kent (Chris Farley)
Aquaman (Jay Mohr)
Anna Nicole Smith (Laura Kightlinger)
Batman (Chris Elliot)
The Receptionist at the Hall of Justice
written by: Tony DiGerolamo
Copyright 1995
INT. LOBBY OF THE HALL OF JUSTICE-EVENING
This is the lobby for the Hall of Justice, where the world’s greatest superheroes have their headquarters. DAVE (SPADE), their daytime receptionist, is sitting by the phones in the lobby finishing his shift. There is a pair of glass doors that say “Hall of Justice Reception Area” and a metal detector, which leads to a hallway beyond the reception desk. Pictures of various superheroes adore the walls. Enter WONDER WOMAN in full costume, but with an overcoat and a purse.
WONDER WOMAN
Dave, I really need that memo typed for
Monday’s meeting.
DAVE
And you are…?
WONDER WOMAN
(annoyed)
Don’t make me use the lariat again. If
you don’t have time, just leave it for
the night shift. (exiting) Good bye.
DAVE
(smarmy)
Buh-bye.
Enter BOB, the nighttime receptionist.
BOB
Hi, Dave.
DAVE
And you are…?
BOB
Why do you keep doing that?
DAVE
(getting ready to leave)
Sorry. There’s some things for you to
type and most of the staff is gone. I’ll
see you Monday.
BOB
(smarmy)
Buh-bye.
Dave gives him an odd look.
BOB
Now you got me doing it.
Dave exits. The phone rings and Bob answers.
BOB
Good evening, Hall of Justice, this is
Bob speaking. (pause, listening) You
have a doomsday device and you want total
control of the world. Well, uh, how can
I route your call? (interrupting) Sir,
sir, I realize you are an evil genius,
but I can’t forward your call unless you
tell me which superhero you want to talk
to. (pause) No, sir, I’m just the receptionist.
(pause, annoyed) Sir, there’s no need for
that kind of language.
Enter a very harried, CLARK KENT. He waves to Bob and starts to walk inside.
BOB
Can you hold on one sec?
Bob puts the evil genius on hold.
CLARK
Hey, Bob.
BOB
Hey, hey, hey, you can’t go in there.
CLARK
(realizing he’s not in costume)
Oh, right, uh, I’m Clark Kent from the
Daily Planet. I’m, uh, doing another
interview with Superman.
BOB
Okay, if you’ll have a seat I’ll just
ring his office.
CLARK
Uh, but…
BOB
C’mon, have a seat.
Reluctantly, Clark has a seat and tries to figure out how to get past this bossy receptionist. Another phone line rings and Bob answers it.
BOB
Good evening, Hall of Justice. (pause)
No, sir, we don’t get involved in court
proceedings. (pause) That’s just company
policy. Right. (pause) Well, I’m sorry,
you’ll just have to tell O.J. yourself
Mr. Shapiro. Yeah, right. Good-bye.
Bob switches lines.
BOB
Sir, I’m sorry to keep you on hold, you
have a doomsday device…
Clark gets up again.
CLARK
Um, maybe you could ring Diana’s— I mean,
Wonder Woman’s office too. She could vouch
for me…
BOB
(annoyed)
Sir, I’m not going to ask you again. You’ll
just have to wait. Please have a seat.
Enter AQUAMAN and his lovely escort for the evening, ANNA NICOLE SMITH, who’s eating junk food non-stop. Aquaman thinks he’s so cool.
AQUAMAN
Hey, Bob, workin’ late there, buddy?
You of course know Anna Nicole Smith?
ANNA
You got vending machines in here?
BOB
It’s a good thing you’re here, sir.
I’ve got an evil genius with a doomsday
device on the line.
AQUAMAN
(worried)
Is he in the ocean?
Bob listens to the phone a moment.
BOB
Are you near the ocean sir? (pause)
No.
AQUAMAN
(annoyed)
Give it to the Flash, what do I look
like? (to Anna) C’mon, baby, I’ll
show you how I swam smack into the
Exxon Valdez. Oh, my head!
Aquaman takes Anna inside. Clark can’t believe this, he gets up and goes back to the desk again.
CLARK
(frustrated)
I really think you oughta—
BOB
(annoyed)
Sir! Please.
Bob goes back to his phone call. Frustrated, Clark goes to the water cooler and gets himself a drink.
BOB
I apologize, sir, we’re very busy at
this time of night. Lots of very rude
and anxious people. (pause, agreeing)
Yes, I hope you do stop that when you
take over the world. (pause) You say
you already mailed something here.
Bob searches around on the desk. He finds a small, lead box with postage on it.
BOB
Oh, here it is. Yes, I have the package.
(pause, amused) Now, sir, this isn’t the
doomsday device is it? (pause, worried)
No, I don’t think you’re that stupid. (he
opens the box) I was just wondering what
it is.
Clark has his back to Bob and Bob is looking away from Clark. He opens the box, which contains a glowing piece of green Kryptonite. Clark looses consciousness and collapses.
BOB
No, I’ve never seen kryptonite before.
Bob shuts the box, Clark, slightly dazed, begins to get up.
BOB
(agreeing)
Well, yes that would be pretty stupid
to bring to work if I had it.
Clark moves over to a shelf of vases to shake off his dizziness.
BOB
(opening the box again)
Boy, I can’t get over the color on
this thing.
Clark collapses, knocking over the shelves of vases as he does so. BATMAN enters, annoyed.
BATMAN
Someone’s in my space again!
BOB
Sir, I really have to go, the night
shift’s here.
Bob hangs up and shuts the lid on the box. Clark gets to his feet again.
BATMAN
When are these people gonna learn, Bob?
My car’s my whole gig, man! The machinegun
turrets won’t fit in a compact space!
BOB
Sir, I’ll call the tow truck.
BATMAN
(opening box)
What the Hell’s this?
Clark collapses into a glass coffee table, destroying it. Bob gets on the phone, Batman notices Clark.
BATMAN
Oh, great! Another bum rolls in here!
This town is goin’ right down the sewer!
He pulls out a rubber hose.
BATMAN (CONT’D)
I’m gonna take care of this one like the
old days.
CLARK
(very dazed)
Gaaaahhhh…
BATMAN
Yeah, we’re gonna teach you a lesson
you won’t soon forget my drunken friend!
Batman drags Clark out of the lobby.
BOB
(on phone)
Hello? Lex Luthor Towing? We really
need to get that car out of Batman’s
space. (pause) I don’t care if its
part of your evil scheme. (pause)
What’s so funny? Oh, you were laughing
maniacally. I see. Well, uh, look,
if you get right down here, I’ll—
(picks up Kryptonite) I’ll show you
a piece of kryptonite. You will?
Great.
