If your birthday is this week: You will realize that parade was not for you. It was St. Patty’s Day and you just happen to love green and drunken Irish people.
Aries: You will eat several moldy objects in your fridge, mistakenly believe that they are the “Irish” version of those foods.
Taurus: You will find that a dead Leprechaun has been blocking your rain gutters.
Gemini: The stars say, it turns out you’re not Irish, so you’re hungover for nothing.
Lemini: This week, you will poop green. Next time, mix the food coloring with beer before your drink it.
Cancer: Your World of Warcraft character will be forced to move back in with his parents.
Leo: Your attempt to rid New York City of its snakes will not go unnoticed. The zookeepers call the cops.
Virgo: You will make sweet love to the Boston Celtics mascot costume.
Libra: You will attempt to parody a Weird Al song, but merely end up with a normal hit song.
Scorpio: The lawsuit against your bondage gear maker will be settled and you’ll finally get those nipple clamps off.
Sagittarius: You won’t get to read this horoscope until Wednesday when you come out of the alcohol-induced coma.
Capricorn: The stars say, every time you drink something bad happens. This week, you’ll wake up and find yourself elected Mayor of Detroit.
Aquarius: You will have sex with Meatloaf and be forced to make something else for dinner.
Pisces: Your family attempts to get you on the TV show Intervention, but it turns out you’re not addicted to video games, you’re just lazy.
