This sketch has always frustrated me because it didn’t sell. Am I crazy? This one always makes me laugh.
James Bondage
written by Tony DiGerolamo
Copyright 2002
EXT. STREET-DAY
A fancy sports car speeds down the street.
NARRATOR
This summer, Her Majesty’s Secret Service
has a new kind of secret agent.
REVEAL the driver is actually JAMES BONDAGE, the fetish secret agent. He’s wearing a leather mask. James Bond-type music begins to play and we’re suddenly in a trailer for a movie.
JAMES
Bondage. James Bondage.
The MUSIC blares as he speeds away.
INT. CASINO-DAY
James enters smoking a cigarette. EBU, a large bouncer with an eye patch, stops him at the door.
NARRATOR
Enter a world of intrigue and pain.
EBU
I’m sorry, sir. There’s no smoking
inside the casino.
JAMES
(suave)
Well, I wouldn’t want anyone to die…
James puts the cigarette out on his arm. Ebu is disgusted.
EBU
Ehhhh!
JAMES
(finishing)
of cancer.
INT. GOLD SHOWER’S HEADQUARTERS-DAY
GOLD SHOWER is a parody of Goldfinger. His henchmen, Ebu, stands read at the controls of a gaudy looking laser. James is strapped to the table underneath it.
NARRATOR
Thrills! Chills! And painful excitement!
JAMES
Gold Shower, do you expect me to talk?
GOLD SHOWER
No, Mr. Bondage, I expect you to die!
And die quite painfully! Ebu!
Ebu hits the switch.
ANGLE ON JAMES
He’s in pain, but he likes it.
JAMES
Ow! Yeah! Oh, yeah!
Gold Shower is annoyed and confused. He gestures to Ebu for more power.
JAMES
Whoa! Yeah! OH, GOD YES!
Gold Shower pushes Ebu away and mans the controls himself.
GOLD SHOWER
Move you fool!
JAMES
Oh, let me just move my genitals under!
SFX: Sizzling.
Ebu and Gold Shower are disgusted. They turn off the machine.
GOLD SHOWER
Oh, God! I think I’m going to be sick!
INT. HOTEL BEDROOM-EVENING
EASY MCPUSSY, the love interest, coils on the bed, while James finishes pouring wine.
NARRATOR
And, of course, sex!
EASY
Oh, James! Make love to me!
JAMES
Oh, darling, that’s so passe’!
James immediately begins kissing and worshipping her bare feet.
EASY
(disgusted)
You’re sick!
INT. SECRET WEAPONS LAB-DAY
James is in the lab with MR. Q, the weapons specialist.
MR. Q
Now, Bondage, we’ve created a
series of special weapons designed
just for you.
He pulls out a modified dildo.
MR. Q
This marital device is actually a .30
caliber automatic, which can hold
12 rounds.
JAMES
(suave, smug)
Hmmm. Gives a hold new meaning
to the phrase, “Strap one on”.
ANGLE ON GOLD SHOWERS
He’s yelling at Ebu.
NARRATOR
Martin Bindley as Gold Showers…
GOLD SHOWERS
I want you to find Bondage and kill
that sick bastard!
ANGLE ON EASY
She’s coiled up on the bed. Looking up at James kissing her feet.
NARRATOR
Gineen Harrison as Easy McPussy…
EASY
What is wrong with you?
INT. CAR-DAY
NARRATOR
Pierced Johnson as James Bondage in…
CUT TO MOVIE KEY
NARRATOR
On Her Majesty’s Pearl Necklace! (This
movie has not yet been rated.) Cumming
Soon!
