Aug22

Twitter in Focus: Jeffrey Ross

by tonyd on August 22, 2012 at 12:01 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die.  Today’s contestant is one of my favorite comedians, Mr. Roastmaster General himself, Jeffrey Ross.  Let’s see how many people he can insult in one tweet.

@realjeffreyross

56 minutes ago:  “gonna live tweet #theburn episode two from the writers room right now. wake up jamaicans you’re first up on my list.”

Aw, cool.  I just watched that show.  Pretty awesome.

52 minutes ago:  “wait till you hear our rapid fire #theburn”

Was that why you were out of breath?  Tell one of the producers to give you a chair for Christ’s sake.

50 minutes ago:  “how’s the show so far? wait to you see how fucked up @realgilbert is. #theburn”

It’s nice that brain damaged comics like Gilbert are given work.  He is messed up.

49 minutes ago:  “the twins saw that bit and laughed one of their heads off. #theburn the one on the left puts out btw”

Ha!  Nice.

47 minutes ago:  “rt if you would fuck @johnstamos #theburn”

Why not?  He seems like he would call the next day.

46 minutes ago:  “yo @marcmaron wtf with that shirt? #theburn”

Did Gilbert do wardrobe too?

38 minutes ago:  “do not adjust your volume. please enjoy this one act play @realgilbert #theburn #horselingus”

I could hear the live audio of that from my place in Jersey.

31 minutes ago:  “time for too soon? ron pallilo roast in peace from all of here in #theburn ‘s writers room.”

If only Epstein had hung on long enough to be eligible for this honor.

30 minutes ago:  “go to our blog @Comedycentral or our Facebook page. i read those messages too. there’s some new speed-roasting footage there #theburn xoxo”

Here’s the link.  I would love to be in the audience, but no way I’m standing up for that bit.

Okay, let’s rate Jeff’s tweets.  I give him an 8 for Insanity, a 9 for Style and a 10 for Mustness.  That’s an overall score of 9.  Definitely one to follow.  Also, you should watch the Burn.  The best part of the show was when the comics just riffed on the news.  And Gilbert is always king.

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Aug20

Fratty or Not Fratty with Pledgemaster Dick

by tonyd on August 20, 2012 at 1:42 am

Our pledgemaster, Indestructible Dick, may not know Math, Science, English Literature, History or any other class he’s taken, but he knows what is Fratty.  Stand fast, bros.  Your pledgemaster is about to bring down judgement upon you!

Representative Todd Akin:  So Not Fratty

WTF?!  What is wrong with people?  Who refers to rape as “legitimate” and that it almost doesn’t cause pregnancy?  That’s just messed up, bros.

Toilet Paper Ads:  Kind of Fratty

These two brothers want to put ads on toilet paper.  I don’t know exactly how we’re supposed to read those ads when the toilet paper is usually inside one of those containers in a public stall, but if I get to wipe my ass on political ads—  I’m all about it.

Cantaloupes:  Not Fratty

All this time I was giving up bacon and eggs thinking I’m eating something healthy and now this?! This is why you should only use melon to make Drunken Melon Balls.  Alcohol kills the germs.  I’m killing the germs in my liver right now!

Curiosity Rover on Mars:  Still Fratty

Today it shot a laser at a rock. Just one step closer to banging green chicks across the galaxy!  Fuckin’ A fratty.

Climate Change Deniers:  Not Fratty

The planet’s on fire, you assholes!

Julian Assange:  Fratty as Hell

When half the world’s governments are gunning for you, it takes giant, steel cajones to set foot out on any balcony, let alone one that technically belongs to Ecuador.  And all the while, cooped up in the embassy eating yucca soup and rice and telling the world’s last superpower where it should get off—-  Fucking fratty.

Vladamir Putin: Not Fratty

You know, Putin, it’s hard enough to find hot, punk chicks willing to to dye their hair pink and have angry sex with you just because they like to give a middle finger to society norms.  Stop locking them up, you asshole.

Jay Leno:  Fratty

Honestly, I haven’t found one iota of the Tonight Show funny since Conan left, but give credit where credit is due bros.  Leno took a big pay cut to save his staff.  How many bosses are willing to do that shit for you?

Tony Scott Suicide:  Not Fratty

To deprive us of such genius, so not fratty.

Marc Summers:  Fratty

Host of Double Dare?  Did a guest shot on Workaholics.  Host of Unwrapped.  And now, survivor of a horrific taxi crash that nearly cut his face off.  Heal up, bro.  The world needs your frattiness now more than ever.

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Aug19

Your Fratoscope: August 19, 2012

by tonyd on August 19, 2012 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week:   The stars say, this is a bad week to break your crazy uncle out of the insane asylum.

Aries:   Your visit the Nudist colony finally cures you of your experimentation with steroids.

Taurus:  You will discover that your band’s music isn’t ironic, it’s just really bad.

Gemini:  Jimmy Fallon will stop by your place to borrow some cereal.  He’ll say it’s for a commercial, but you’ll see him eating it and laughing as he drives away.

Lemini:  You will find your cat is the one that keeps ordering softcore porn on your cable system.  Teach him to us the Internet for Christ’s sake.

Cancer:  This week, the Mafia shoots up your house by mistake, then rebuilds it for free.  Hope you like marble end tables and plastic on the seats.

Leo:  Your roommate will finally admit he’s been using your toothbrush to apply the medicine he bought to get rid of his crabs.

Virgo:  Your waiter will burst into tears when you order the soup.  What were you thinking?

Libra:  Your meeting will probably go fine.  Han Solo is a reasonable starship captain.

Scorpio:  You will discover that you didn’t have sex with a blind date, just some random stranger that happened to be waiting at the same bus stop.

Sagittarius:   You will have sex with a random stranger you meet at a bus stop.

Capricorn:  You’re never going to get a job if you don’t stop whipping it out at job interviews.

Aquarius:  If you ever want to get a job at a strip club, you’re going to have to learn to whip it out during job interviews.

Pisces:   The day will be full of sunshine and lollipops after the candy factory explodes allowing for a better view of the horizon.

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Aug18

Frat Boy At the Movies: ParaNorman

by tonyd on August 18, 2012 at 12:01 am

ParaNorman is a harmless and fairly entertaining animated flick about a boy that can see ghost and has to save his town from zombies.  Featuring the voices of John Goodman, Jeff Garlin, Casey Affleck, Leslie Mann, Anna Kendrick, Alex Borstein and many others.  It’s not quite as sharp as Monster House or as endearing, as say, Coraline, but it’s a fairly solid story.

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly where ParaNorman falls short without giving out spoilers, but it’s a very basic story.  You never really get very deep into the characters and most of them are pretty two-dimensional.  Feels more like a TV show.  The movie is sort of open to a sequel, perhaps that would up the ante somewhat.  Once you get toward the end, you realize that most of the action is predicated on a misunderstanding that takes up a good chunk of the second act.

Also, Norman’s not all THAT freaky and yet, the audience is beaten over the head with his “freak” label.  We get it, he’s an outsider.  Unfortunately, the script probably would’ve had more places to go if Norman wasn’t such an outsider.  Shared histories with just a few of the characters would’ve given their actions more weight.  As it stands, a lot of the movie feels like none of the characters really know each other all that well.

Still, the movie looks good, the pacing isn’t bad and I found myself enjoying most of the scenes.  Casey Affleck’s character nearly steals the whole show with a joke at the end.  It’s probably more of a rental, but wouldn’t be a bad movie to take the kids.  If you’re a zombie purist, however, I wouldn’t see the bar too high.

I give ParaNorman 5 and a half keggers out of ten.  Just slightly above average.

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