Sep05

Twitter in Focus: Jason Bateman

by tonyd on September 5, 2012 at 2:50 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die!  Today’s contestant is the dad from Arrested Development and movie star, Jason Bateman!  I’m psyched for the new AD.  Let’s see if Jason shares my excitement.

@batemanjason

May 18th:  “Arnett and I shave and tub together in MANSOME, opening today. Go to http://mansomethemovie.com to find a theater near you.”

That looks like fun.  I’ll have to rent that.

May 19th:  “Boy oh boy, those heavy framed glasses the NBA players are wearing for those press conferences… I missed a memo.”

Maybe they’re just hipsters.

May 31st:  “I don’t understand the low ratings at CNN. I have it on all day, every day. Greatest channel ever!”

I just can’t get enough of cranky old man, Jack Cafferty.

June 16th:  “Hobo Hank at work in Georgia. #Hipstamatic #JohnS #KodotXGrizzled pic.twitter.com/VDUBWK2W”

If that link didn’t work for you, here it is.  It’s Jason’s dog.  I wonder if he named after the character in The Simpsons.  That would be obscure.

July 10th:  “Taken at AD mission control, today! All systems are go. Filming for the new episodes starts in four weeks. Woo! t.co/jnP1UwPv”

Aw, what a way to begin the summer!  Awesomeness!

July 28th:  “My son, arriving yesterday – pic.twitter.com/laNbVmU7”

Remember, there’s always money in the Banana Stand.

July 28th:  “A grandson, looking for his Gangee – pic.twitter.com/NomXJtgA”

Will he get to bang his cousin in the movie?  Find out!

August 1st:  “Just posted a photo http://instagr.am/p/NytM3LRVTU/”

Damn, someone has great seats behind the dugout.

August 7th:  “First day. Away we go… pic.twitter.com/ci8rXy78”

And that’s it?  Well, can’t blame him.  He’s obviously very busying shooing AD.

Let’s rate Jason’s tweets.  Behind-the-scenes photos, which I love.  I give him a 7 for Insanity a 4 for Mustness and a 10 for Style.  That’s an overall score of 7.  I hope we hear more, JB.  And would it kill you to post some pics of Portia de Rossi?  Just sayin’.

And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

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Sep03

Ten Prizes You’ll Never See on a Game Show

by tonyd on September 3, 2012 at 3:34 am

1.  Band candy

2.  Used bandages

3.  A dead monkey

4.  A car full of blood

5.  Expired toothpaste

6.  200 pounds of C4

7.  Michael Jackson’s skeleton

8.  A rape robot

9.  Two dumpsters full of trash

10. A firehose that can spray liquid feces up to 100 feet

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Sep02

Your Fratoscope: September 2, 2012

by tonyd on September 2, 2012 at 12:30 am

If your birthday is this week:  A Porno Pizza parlor will open in your neighborhood.  Just don’t order the sausage.

Aries:   Your buddy that’s over 950 lbs will ask you to come over and bring a wheelbarrow full of pancakes and syrup.

Taurus:  You will become trapped in a conversation about the TV show, Lost.  Just agree with the theories and get the Hell out of there.

Gemini:  The stars say, that stalker paperboy will find you and start delivering the paper to your new address again.

Lemini:  A group of home invasion robbers will change their minds and decide to redecorate your house instead.  Unfortunately, they still shoot you.

Cancer:  A man in a hotdog costume will attempt to carjack you, but give up when he can’t get into your mini Cooper.

Leo:  Your Kickstarter project to raise money to pay Honey Boo Boo to leave television forever raises $85 million dollars in the first week.

Virgo:  You will be forced to hide an inappropriate erection in the bakery.  The man to whom the erection belongs, will thank you.

Libra:  You will have a terrible meal, but lie to Yelp because you think it makes you more popular.

Scorpio:  This week, a scientist will distill an aphrodisiac from your sweat.

Sagittarius:  You will be the last person in America not to know anyone that’s ever been connected to a senseless random shooting…until Thursday.

Capricorn:  All your favorite shows premiere this month, so you’ll spend most of it sitting on your ass in front of the TV.

Aquarius:  Your book on Osama Bin Laden is also banned by the Pentagon, mostly for all the unrelated nude pictures of yourself.

Pisces:  You’ll discover two great tastes that taste great together.  Unfortunately, no one wants to buy a chocolate covered steak candy bar.

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Sep01

Fratty or Not Fratty with Pledgemaster Dick

by tonyd on September 1, 2012 at 2:30 am

Our pledgemaster, Indestructible Dick, may only sign up for morning classes to take naps in the lecture hall, but he knows what’s Fratty.

Facebook Stock:  Not So Fratty

Mark Zuckerberg clearly sold his Facebook stock at the right time.  Which I guess means, everyone else pitched in to make his billion dollar dream come true.  In this economy, not so fratty.

The Hobbit Films:  Kinda Fratty

You gotta be psyched for these next three flicks from Peter Jackson, but jeez, three?  There was only one book.  While stretching it out may effect it’s awesomeness, Jackson is still the man when it comes to Middle Earth.

Canceling the Jersey Shore:  Fratty

Thank fucking Christ.

The L.A. PD:  Not Fratty

What the Hell is up with Los Angeles cops?  These guys are wound tighter than a pledge on Rush Week.  Has the LA police academy every taught a way to arrest people that doesn’t involve beating the shit out of them?

Bill Nye:  Fucking A Fratty

Finally, a scientist with some balls.  Suck it creationists!

Random Shootings:  Not Fratty

Is it just me or does a bullet proof vest no longer sound like a paranoid gift?  Being indestructible, it’s not really an issue for me.  But after shootings in movie theaters, temples, the Empire State Building and supermarkets, maybe it’s time to legalize pot.

Harvard Students:  Fratty, but Not Fratty

125 Harvard students were caught cheating on a test.  Now me and the bros aren’t ones that are above such behavior.  But shit, if you’re going to cheat, cheat on a hard class.  Not on a test about Congress.  You go to Harvard, you assholes.  You should already know about Congress because I’m sure most of the 125 of your are related to someone in Congress.  At least me and the bros go to Ryesmore, the butthole of colleges.

Marrying Two Chicks:  Fratty

If you’re going to get married, don’t be a pussy and only marry on woman.  Marry two like this dude in Brazil.  Not only is a three-way a lot easier, the wives can ask each other how their day was!

Stealing Maple Syrup:  So God Damned Fratty

Canadian thieves (who else) stole something like 10 million gallons of syrup.  Now all they need to do is make 20 million trips to the IHOP.

Squeezing Breasts for Charity:  The Frattiest Thing Ever

Only in Japan, bros.  Only in Japan.

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