If your birthday is this week: Your birthday cake will be the tastiest ever, unless you’re on the East Coast, in which case, it will float away before you get to eat it.
Aries: You will forget to water your bookie’s plants while he’s away on vacation. This does not bode well for the rest of football season.
Taurus: Hope you like wind chimes. The stars say, if you live on the East Coast, you’ll find several embedded in the side of your house. If you don’t, someone will give you wind chimes.
Gemini: You will discover the little person that’s been living in your walls for the past year. He reminds you that you’re out of peanut butter.
Lemini: The serial killer that’s been stalking you sends you an apology letter. Apparently, there’s someone else.
Cancer: You will be tempted to throw yourself out a window rather than listen to another campaign ad. Don’t do it. Someone’s giving an impromptu stump speech just outside your house.
Leo: If you live on the East Coast, you will have to do terrible, unspeakable things to get that last generator at the Home Depot. Otherwise, you’ll have a pleasant day watching football.
Virgo: The ghost of Mr. Bean will appear to you. When you remind him that he’s not dead, he’ll apologize and disappear.
Libra: Your roommate will shake up one of your beers and serve it to you as a joke. For revenge, you’ll plow his girlfriend. Seems fair.
Scorpio: East Coasters, hurricane Sandy destroys your patio furniture. Non-East Coasters, you will do a chick on your patio furniture named Sandy.
Sagittarius: The woman at the massage parlor you visit suggests you both take a break and try Internet dating for a while.
Capricorn: Thanks to the hurricane, your East Coast hipster friends run out of cigarettes and PBR, eventually they stop listening to pretentious music and wearing porkpie hats.
Aquarius: You will lose you virginity to an anatomically correct mannequin.
Pisces: On the East Coast, lack of power and video games convinces you that there is no God. Non-East Coasters come to that conclusion anyway.
