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May13

Movies I Wish I Missed: The Last Man on Earth (1964)

by tonyd on May 13, 2013 at 12:01 am

The Last Man on Earth stars Vincent Price as the last human left alive on Earth.  It was the original movie that I Am Legend, starring Will Smith, was based.  Although I regret watching less than I regret watching Will Smith’s movie (and I really regret watching that) it’s still a pretty awful movie.

It’s interesting, however, to watch a movie fail in 1964 as opposed to watching a movie fail now.  The premise of this movie is that a disease wipes out the human race turning people into half zombies, half vampires.  The science in the film reminds you of a parody of a monster movie from that era.  Did people actually buy any of this?  Even in 1964?

The effects are brutal, the acting marginal (except for Price) and some of the dialogue painful.  But in 2007, Will Smith’s movie is actually worse in many ways.  Smith’s movie has the one thing that Price’s movie needed: wicked special effects and a presentation.  But in 2007, it’s all presentation.  The crux of the story is about a man who thinks he’s destroying monsters, when the reality is he is the monster.  For Price’s movie, the morality play gives the scenes some heft, even if it’s laborious to get there and ridiculous to watch the action scenes.

The Smith movie, on the other hand, is like eating a chocolate cake that’s all icing.  It’s too much presentation.  The morality play is sort of there despite the CGI and ass kicking and Will Smith’s abs.

If only Price’s movie had the effects and presentation or Smith’s movie had the soul, there might’ve been a good movie if you somehow crossbreeded the two.

Quite frankly, I was only able to sit through Price’s movie in a Mystery Science Theater 3000 kind of way.  Price looks like a friend of mine, so it made some of his dialogue extra hilarious when I added stuff about my friend.  It’s one of those movies that probably could’ve been good and it’s amazing that Hollywood’s managed to screw it up twice.

└ Tags: 1964, 2007, cinema, comparison, film, I Am Legend, movies, Movies I Wish I Missed, rating, review, Super Frat, The Last Man on Earth, Tony DiGerolamo, Vincent Price, Will Smith
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May12

Your Mothers’ Day Fratoscope

by tonyd on May 12, 2013 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week:  Your mother will throw you a passive aggressive birthday party.  Enjoy…even though she broke her back to make that cake.

Aries:  You mother’s present gnaws out of the gift box before you get to the restaurant.

Taurus:  You will surprise your mother by assuring that the restaurant you picked won’t need reservations, but then again, McDonald’s never does.

Gemini:  Your mother will pressure you to get married as always and, as always, you’ll remind her that you’re married to dying alone.

Lemini:  Your mother will reveal that you’re adopted and that she always thought you were sexy.

Cancer:  The stars say, you mother will text you a “Thank you” sometime around 4pm you cold, distant bastard.

Leo:  Turns out, gift cards were a horrible idea.  Your mother is getting a boob job with them.

Virgo:  Everything will go fine on Mothers’ Day, until your mom realizes that you’ve regifted her something she sent you at Christmas.

Libra:  Mom will love your gift, but really, who doesn’t like crack once they’re tried it?

Scorpio:  You mother loves her gift, but the escort service does charge you extra for Latino body builders.

Sagittarius:  The person you were cloned from will love the Harry and David gift basket you purchased.

Capricorn:  You mom will greatly appreciate her gift because she can never afford bail on her own.

Aquarius:  Once again, you’ll try and contact the test tube where you were created, but the test tube has no hands to answer the phone.

Pisces:  Your Mothers’ Day dinner will consist of a lot of pasta and criticism.

└ Tags: Aquarius, Aries, astrology, Cancer, Capricorn, comedy, funny, Gemini, horoscope, humor, Lemini, Leo, Libra, Mother's Day, Pisces, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Super Frat, Taurus, Tony DiGerolamo, Virgo, Your Fratoscope, zodiac
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May11

Ten Things You’ll Never See on a Space Walk

by tonyd on May 11, 2013 at 12:01 am

The International Space Station has a leak and astronauts have to plug that thing like it was yesterday.  Here now are ten things they probably shouldn’t do.

1.  Piss off Jesus (since they’re parked so close to heaven)

2.  Drop a penny (in ironic attempt to hit Empire State Building)

3.  Stop to spray paint an homage to Bansky

4.  Slip back into ship with fake face hugger over helmet

5.  Take Union lunch break in middle or repairs

6.  Fart into astronaut’s air supply

7.  Keep responding “Make it so, Number One!” to other astronaut

8.  Flash butt cheeks to Hubble Space Telescope

9.  Reenact Simpsons episode where Homer goes to space

10.  Moonwalk

└ Tags: air supply, astronaut, Bansky, face hugger, Homer, list, Myspace, space, Space Walk, Ten Things You'll Never See, The Simpsons, Tony DiGerolamo, top ten
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May10

Rewritten Headlines: Xbox 720 to Manti Te’o

by tonyd on May 10, 2013 at 12:24 am

Technology Advances for Wasting Time

Celebrity Needs New House

Airport Too Cheap to Hire Illegal Workers

Government Soon to Ruin Wi-Fi on Planes

The Future of Car Accidents Still Being Tested

Proof of Lack of God Still on TV

78,000 Want Out of This Shit Shack

Everyone Fucking Everyone Else

Awesome Gang Gets Caught

People Still Don’t Give a Shit About Why Tube Socks Are Only a Dollar

Imaginary Wife Probably Very Proud

└ Tags: airport, American Idol, ATM gang, Bangladesh, Chicago, current events, DNA, FCC, Google Glasses, Keifer Sutherland, Mars, News, Rewritten Headlines, Super Frat, Tony DiGerolamo, U.S., Wi-fi, world, Xbox 720 Manti Te'o
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