If your birthday is this week: You friends pool their money and buy you an escort and she makes you an awesome cake.
Aries: You’ll discover that eating an entire pie by yourself is really awesome, but frowned upon in the middle of the supermarket.
Taurus: You will be mailed another coupon anger management classes and beat the shit out of your mailman.
Gemini: This week, the sperm bank pays you the gross interest on your deposit.
Lemini: The voices in your head give you very sound financial advice.
Cancer: While playing Pokemon Go, you’ll look up and realize that you’ve walked onto a minefield and you missed the Dragonite.
Leo: Your invention of the car toilet will not be approved by the patent office.
Virgo: The stars say, the caterer at your Intervention will be terrible this year.
Libra: You won’t stand by while an old lady is mugged, you run so the mugger doesn’t move on to you.
Scorpio: You poly-relationship party is kicked out of the venue for having too many people in it.
Sagittarius: Facebook will start sending you junk mail about not being on the Internet so much.
Capricorn: You will brush your teeth with a non-toothpaste, tube substance twice this week.
Aquarius: The cop that pulls you over writes you a fine for that fart you laid while he was talking.
Pisces: You bookie sends a lovely greeting card along with his threat this week.
