If your birthday is this week:   Your haunted birthday cake will turn into a a haunted poop.

Aries:   You’ll eat some garlic bread that’s more garlic than bread, which saves you from the vampire, but dooms you with the Italian Werewolf.

Taurus:  You will a leave a candy bar in the wash and make your clothes smell like chocolate.

Gemini:  An overweight Batman with a mustache will pull you over and demand to see your license and registration.

Lemini:  The stars say, relax.  The age of consent with puppets is much lower than humans you sick perv.

Cancer:  You’ll learn plenty of new curse words today after getting arrested and refusing to give the bigger inmate in the county lock up your shoes.

Leo:  Although the bake sale didn’t specifically forbid penis-shaped cakes in their rules, they throw you out anyway.

Virgo:  You’ll find out the hard way shitposting isn’t literal.

Libra:  Don’t make any sudden moves when the pizza man arrives, he’s high on meth.

Scorpio:  Turns out that girl you met on Tinder was really a couch you bought on Craigslist, but the sex was still good.

Sagittarius:  This week, you’ll go mudding inside the garden center of two different department stores.

Capricorn:  The pet adoption gets out of hand and you go home with a walrus.

Aquarius:  You will miss a dear friend today.  Fortunately, you’ll steer off the sidewalk at the last second.

Pisces:  You’ll find the secret of the universe on a Google search, but YouTube will have censored before you can watch.