If your birthday is this week: The pizza guy reluctantly tells you “Happy Birthday” for a three dollar tip, so you can get back to crying.
Aries: This week, you’ll smell the farts of a valued coworker.
Taurus: You’re so boring, you’ll be the last person banned on Twitter.
Gemini: Get together with some old friends this week, their fridges are full of food.
Lemini: Your wooden boy comes to life and immediately calls Child Protective Services.
Cancer: Your S.O. finally unlocks the closet where you keep the Christmas decorations.
Leo: Accidentally drinking someone’s pee will become a huge problem at the office for some reason.
Virgo: The bad news is, your local cops are forced to moonlight on the side to make ends meet, but the good news is all speeding tickets come with a side of McDonald’s fries.
Libra: Your smart phone becomes sentient and deletes your Facebook app for your own good.
Scorpio: Sex in the department store changing room loses it’s allure without the cameras.
Sagittarius: The stars say, pirates rent your place off of Airbnb and leave dozens of empty rum bottles and parrot feathers behind.
Capricorn: Your doctor will advise you that your hand santizer addiction is bad for you, especially since you’re drinking it.
Aquarius: The clerk at the CVS predicts the future, but only for people whose receipt are long enough.
Pisces: A windfall of shrimp figures into your future, but sadly, no windfall of cocktail sauce, just tartar.
