If your birthday is this week:    You bounce house comes with a bouncer who refuses to let you in until you show up with a date.

Aries:    The bikers in the biker bar you visit will buy very few of your scented candles.

Taurus:  The ghost of Charles Nelson Riley tries to explain to you why he was famous, but you still don’t get it.

Gemini:   Your script for the sequel to the movie Se7en is rejected because you call it 6ix.

Lemini:    The stars say, don’t start anything important on your computer for a while because a Windows update is about to happen.

Cancer:  You will develop a new app that will allow you to avoid other people’s farts.

Leo:  The toll taker refuses to take your homemade money or your homemade EZ pass.

Virgo:   You will find a pretty decent movie on Netflix and keep your subscription going another year without watching anything else.

Libra:    Some rough looking girl scouts forcibly sell you some cookies.

Scorpio:    Porn Hub gives you your own category.

Sagittarius:  Your instagram account will obtain negative fans.

Capricorn:  You will leave the A.V. Club after you discover that the letters do not stand for “Advanced Vagina”.

Aquarius:  YouTube censors your video channel just because you suck.

Pisces:    The sushi restaurant requests that you no longer holder business meetings with cats there.