Super Frat

Oct29

Ask Señor Cactus!

by tonyd on October 29, 2008 at 5:26 pm

Ask Señor Cactus!^TM

translated by Mr. Shit

transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…

The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…

Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Inebriated on the Internet:

Thanks for the super fray update love pledge kitten bully

Ps I am siouiiiiiiio drink.

Del

Kitten Bully

Dear Drunken Bro:

Cactus say, he inspired by yer illiterate love for another bro and thanks for da email attachment with all your credit card numbers, pin numbers and pictures of your genitals. When ya sober up, make sure ya have a doctor check dat mole out!

Happy in Orlando:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I met a great guy online! He’s awesome and we’re celebrating our fifth anniversary in a couple of months! Isn’t that awesome?

Denise, 18, Orlando, Fl

Dear Jailbait Online:

Cactus say, five years?! Who’s yer boyfriend a target of Chris Hansen? If he not, he like da boy in da plastic vagina. Ya gonna have ta let him out before he go crazy. Cactus agree with wise Chinese philosopher: “Man who touch only two boobs soon look for a third.”

Torn in Texas:

Señor Cactus:

I don’t know who to vote for. I’m afraid of McCain because he’s old and I don’t like old people. I can’t vote for Obama, because I think he’s an arab. What should I do?

Joe, 20, U of N

Dear Voter Majority:

Cactus say, you are a fuckin’ retard! Ya shouldn’t vote at all. Ya should just concentrate on breathin’ because yer braindead head can barely handle dat! Dat you go to a University in da United States is an outrage! Ya should be sent back ta grammar school and forced ta repeat da fourth grade another seven times! Cactus say, it’s da retards like you dat make da debates get dumbed down even more! And ya still don’t watch! What should ya do? Stick yer head in a fuckin’ bucket and bang wit a brick, Joe da dumbass!

Liar-Liar Pants On the Floor:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I lie to get laid. It’s so easy! Once I found this ATM receipt for $19,000. I wrote my number on the back after meeting this model in a club and she called me 10 minutes later. I told this other girl I worked for the Secret Service. Another one that I was the lead in an upcoming movie. It’s just too damned easy. Why is it so easy?

Scott, 20, Villanova

Dear Genius:

Cactus say, slow down! He writin’ all dis down! Cactus don’t have opposable thumbs!

Wasted in NYC:

Dear Señor Cactus:

Yesterday I was out with this guy I started dating. I’m a little buzzed, but totally functional behind the wheel. I took a sip from a beer I had in my lap and he starts to freak. Grabs the beer right out of my hand and throws it out the window. I’m like, fine, you think I’m drunk, but I’m not and I’m proving it by driving fine. Then I start to think, this guy is probably a faggot because he doesn’t drink at all and why am I dating him?

Irene, 20, Manhattan

Dear Waste:

Cactus say, self-preservation is not a trait reserved exclusively for homosexuals. If he still dating you, he obviously not dat concerned wit his own safety. Plus, yer probably an unbelievable bitch because ya drive in da City anyways. Oh, wait, did Cactus make a sweepin’ generalization about ya based on one tiny bit of behavior? Sorry, Cactus meant ta call ya, “cunt”.

└ Tags: Mistah Shit, Señor Cactus

Comments Off

Oct27

Frat Boy At the Movies: The Duchess (is hot!)

by tonyd on October 27, 2008 at 2:26 pm

Yes, Keira Knightley is naked in the Duchess, but the real question is: “Is it a good kind of nudity?” There’s nudity that makes you feel good about yourself and then there’s nudity that makes you feel kind of guilty for looking at it. The Duchess walks a very fine line.

On the one hand, there’s no denying that Keira Knightley is smokin’ hot. Even after a ridiculous scene where Ralph Fiennes, as the douchebag Duke of Devonshire, undresses her out of very complicated garmets. But even so, you feel kind of guilty because Ralph is being such a dick and when it is revealed what a dick he is later— Well, in retrospect, it’s kind of like watching some creepy old guy bone your sister.

That being said, there is a second lesbian scene without so much nudity that is REALLY hot. Very boner-inducing. That’s probably (pardon the pun) the climax of the movie. The focus of the movie is the Duchess’ horrible relationship with the Duke, but the interesting stuff is going on behind the scenes in politics. The Duchess is a popular historical figure in England because she held a lot of political sway at a time when women couldn’t even vote. Unfortunately, most of the movie is about what a douche her husband is. Although entertaining, I think the director missed the boat on what could have been an interesting look at English politics at the time, manipulated by a woman who had a bad husband and the occassional lesbian affair. Everyone in the movie is great, but it’s like the real movie is happening somewhere nearby and you keep getting stuck at home with a dysfunctional family of rich people. All in all it’s a fairly bearable chick flick. I give it 5 beer kegs.

Comments Off

Oct24

Frat Boy At the Movies: Oliver Stone’s W.

by tonyd on October 24, 2008 at 12:54 am

W. from director Oliver Stone follows the life of George W. Bush from the mid-60’s up until about the end of his first term as president.

I’ve made no secret what I think of the real President Bush, but W. did something I never thought would happen: I actually felt sorry for George W. Bush. Oliver Stone and Josh Brolin really humanize the man that would be the worst US president in history.

The movie really focuses on W., not the events around him. Like W., the moments of history are there, but they are just as important as say, the latest episode of Sports Center he loves to watch. Maybe I’m biased for this movie because it portrays W. exactly as I’d thought he’d be: A guy that lived in the shadow of his father all his life. He was a perennial fuck up that finally managed to out-do his dad, only to have the rug pulled out from under him when he got in over his head in Iraq. With Oliver Stone, I normally expect to be beaten over the head with the point of the movie, but this time, he’s very nuanced. And a visual towards the end, turns into such a devastating critique of the entire administration that it was probably 100 times more effective than 1000 Special Comments on Countdown.

Some of the moments and the real lines that come out of Josh Brolin have been moved and the events have been telescoped somewhat, but it’s true to the material. Half way through the movie, you just want to pick up W., shake him and say, “Dude! Please think! Just this once!” But thinking is not W. He’s too busy trying to convince us and himself that he can do something better than memorize fraternity nicknames (irony!).

I guess the scariest thing in the movie is that is feels so honest, especially in the scene where his advisers pass the buck. So bloated and routine, war becomes banal for everyone but W. who is still only one interested even if it is just to one-up his dad. And the woman who played Condi Rice was amazing. Richard Dreyfeuss as Cheney too.

I give this movie 8 beer kegs. Although, I must warn you, I am a news junkie. If you’ve been asleep for the past 8 years or haven’t at least read a George W. Bush quote calendar, you may miss a few things. Let’s hope the next Frat Boy that becomes the president will do better.

└ Tags: Frat Boy at the Movies, W.

Comments Off

Oct22